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windowless offices

Thursday, April 27, 2006


Windowless offices are starting to appear on the Osaka skyline in ever increasing numbers.

Research has shown that productivity inside these offices is up to 20% higher compared to office buildings with windows. This is thought to be due to the elimination of outside distractions, which can cause a worker to look up from their desk instead of focusing on the job in hand.

One company president said the cost of converting his office building to a windowless one has already paid for itself. "My workers were spending far too much time looking out of the window at things like people. Or cute dogs. Now that I've had the windows bricked up, my workers are much happier," he said with a big smile.

japan's most wanted

Friday, April 21, 2006
In the UK we have Crimewatch UK, a BBC television programme where heinous crimes are re-enacted in the hope that members of the public will call in with vital information, which might lead to an arrest. I think it's a bit like America's Most Wanted, an equally hard-hitting show depicting crimes of great brutality, with clever camera work and some lovely music.

In Japan they have mannequins.

Yes, manneqiuns are being used in the fight against crime. The police are touring the country with some dressed up dummies in the back of the van, stopping outside train stations and asking if they recognise the criminals.

At first I thought the police were trying to sell clothes to raise money for a new bicycle, but it was only when I saw the menacing mannequin's face that it hit me - this was no flea market. This was a man hunt.

I was shocked by how realistic they looked. Indeed, when I first saw them, I half expected one of them to slide across to me and demand all my money. Fortunately for me, they just stood still, like mannequins tend to do. Anyway, it wouldn't have been a good idea as there were several policemen in the vicinity.

One thing alarmed me though. It seemed that the mannequins were without socks. They were in bare feet. I lay awake that night wondering if:
a) the police were in a rush that morning and had no socks available
or
b) Japan's most wanted have no socks


The policeman is real.


Do not approach this mannequin


Without socks.

beatles alive & well (in osaka)

Sunday, April 16, 2006
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Elvis is still alive and working as a car mechanic in Des Moines; yeah, yeah, yeah, Princess Diana never copped it, she's stacking shelves in Harrods on weekends; yeah, yeah, yeah, Rod Hull hasn't passed on, he's studying for a degree in Aeronautical Engineering at Kent University. And yeah, yeah, yeah, you know as well as I do that all those sightings of the famous dead are a load of old guff.

However, I know one thing for sure. The Beatles, who not only split up but who also half died, ARE ACTUALLY ALIVE AND WELL. And what's more, they are continuing to ply their musical trade in the rock 'n' roll capital of Japan - Osaka.

There's no guffing to be had on this point - I've seen them for myself. Apart from a little plastic surgery around their eyes to help them blend in with the local community, there's no doubting their authenticity. It's John, Paul, George and Ringo. And there's not a hint of rotting flesh between them.

Strangely, they don't seem to be trying too hard to hide their identity, I mean, they're playing in a place called The Cavern for goodness gracious sake. However, they've cleverly renamed themselves The Bricks which, although it sounds a bit like The Beatles, is not similar enough to arouse suspicion.

So all Beatles fans may rejoice, for they are alive and well, and living in Osaka. Yeah, yeah, yeah!


From left to right: John, Ringo, Paul (playing the guitar right-handed for a change) and George.


The 'live' Cavern Club with a live band (ie. not dead).


The home of The Beatles (in Osaka).

hi-tech madness

Tuesday, April 11, 2006
There was a time in old Japan when a train journey was an opportunity to close your eyes, relax, and enjoy the peace and quiet. But all that's gone.

In modern Japan, a train carriage is like a moving orchestra of bad musicians, noisily playing their tuneless instruments without any sheet music to guide them.

Laptop computers, mobile phones, hand-held devices, MP3 music players and even the occasional photocopy machine fill the carriage with a cacophony of unpleasantness. It's high-tech gone mad.

gratuitous sakura

Thursday, April 06, 2006



I'm stunned. The authorities have BANNED my sakura photograph under the 1907 Obscene Publications Act. A letter delivered to me this morning stated that my photograph displayed "gratuitous sexual imagery and some long floppy things."

They added that my photo was a potentially corrupting influence on society and that publication would result in a lengthy jail term. Utterly absurd.

So I'm sorry that on this occasion I'm unable to share my sakura picture with you. However, after spending much of the day studying the minutiae of this ridiculous law, I've managed to find a compromise. Please enjoy the mosaic version below.

fishy record

Sunday, April 02, 2006


Osaka can claim many records, a quick glance in the Guinness Book of Records will confirm this.

Its most impressive record was confirmed in the 1970s, when Norris McWhirter visited for a seafood lunch. Yes, for over 30 years, Osaka has proudly held the record for The World's Largest Wall-Mounted Crab. Forget Tallest Building, Biggest Park or Most Restaurants. Waste of time. Instead, Osaka went for The World's Largest Wall-Mounted Crab – and won. The crab even moves.

It will come as little surprise that the restaurant inside prides itself on its crab dishes. Just as the restaurant below prides itself on its dragon dishes. I ate their recently and I must say, it was rather tasty. A bit like chicken.