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offensive english test




Finally! A test that gets down to the nitty gritty of the English language!

The Test of English for Offensive Communication is being introduced as a result of numerous student complaints that when they go overseas, they can't understand the abuse being hurled at them. The TOEOC test hopes to change all that.

Below is a sample of the type of questions that examinees can expect to face.


Part V - Reading
In this section of the test, you should choose the word that best fits the blank.

1. They only had four beers but when they saw the bill they couldn't believe
how ____________ expensive it was.
(A) faking
(B) fork
(C) fucking
(D) Frank


2. When my English teacher dropped his pen on the floor, I think I heard him
say ____________.
(A) sheets
(B) shiny
(C) shells
(D) shit


3. The silly ____________ got so drunk that he threw up on my futon.
(A) bastard
(B) bar steward
(C) bar stool
(D) basket of apples


4. He spilt beer all over my new suit and as a consequence I had no choice
but to kick him in the ____________.
(A) bells
(B) bollys
(C) bollocks
(D) ballyhoo


5. Ted wasn't used to doing overtime without pay so he told his boss to stick it up his ___________.
(A) grass
(B) farce
(C) sparse
(D) arse



Part VI
In this section of the test, identify the bold word which should be
corrected or rewritten.

1. All of the teachers planned diligently for there lessons, except for Dave
who couldn't give a toss.


2. When the man groped her on the busy train, she politely call him a twat
and bit his ear.


3. I’m shore my teacher farted when he sneezed during today’s lesson, but the bullshitter pretended nothing happened.


4. Joan tried to get the hanging of using chopsticks but after three hours she
gave up and said, "I can't be fucked with these any more."


5. He drank so much beer that he couldn't help pissing himself on the subway
train, although no one seemed too mind.


6. The intense humidity of summer always made Alex feel like a peace of shit.



Photograph section
In this section of the test, choose the sentence that best suits the photograph.

1.

(A) He might be a banker.
(B) He looks like a tank.
(C) He's a bit of a wanker.
(D) He is thanking the crank.


2.

(A) There is a fire in the park.
(B) There are many cars on the road.
(C) There is a house on the farm.
(D) There are shitloads of people.


3.

(A) The man is stroking the dog nicely.
(B) The dog is happy and calm in the garden.
(C) The man is teaching the dog to be kind.
(D) The dog is attacking the poor fucker.


4.

(A) He is playing the piano.
(B) He is talking on the phone.
(C) His teeth are fucking awful.
(D) He is cleaning the room.


5.

(A) He is posting the letter.
(B) He is pasting the wallpaper on the wall.
(C) He is skiing on the piste.
(D) He is pissing on the wall.


Score:
75-100% Fuckin' A!
50-74% A bit crappy
0-49% Shite
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On Saturday, 19 July, 2008, Blogger Angelo said:

With all the politeness in the air in this country, students would still fail!  



On Saturday, 19 July, 2008, Anonymous Bad Wolf said:

Sir, I salute you.  



On Sunday, 20 July, 2008, Anonymous Scotty.VOR said:

I was a bit stumped on photo 1; (A) and (C) usually go together.

Here's hoping those students master the art of swearing as well as Mr Bergis.  



On Sunday, 20 July, 2008, Blogger sushizume said:

Why do I find this so bloody funny?
Cos it is, I guess!  



On Monday, 21 July, 2008, Blogger Contamination said:

You'd have my vote to be on the BOE in Japan!  



On Monday, 21 July, 2008, Anonymous Johan said:

Brilliant!

If I were an English teacher I would so use this on my students (before getting fire by the school for inappropriate teaching methods I guess)  



On Tuesday, 22 July, 2008, Blogger Dateline Osaka said:

Hilarious as always! I like the little rhyme with the answer selection for the first photo. ^_^ Thanks again for making me laugh!!  



On Thursday, 24 July, 2008, Anonymous jturningpin said:

Laugh-out-loud hilarious. As a geek, would've liked to have seen "fracking" as an option in No. 1...  



On Thursday, 24 July, 2008, Blogger Sílvia said:

You ahve got to be the funniest guy in osaka!!
Brilliant!  



On Friday, 25 July, 2008, Blogger Melanie Gray Augustin said:

Fantastic!

A couple of weeks ago, one of the teachers I work with had a student use the phrase "You are a motherfucker". The thing was he used it perfectly in context, the teacher couldn't help but laugh and give him an extra point.  



On Friday, 15 August, 2008, Anonymous May said:

hilarious.  



On Tuesday, 26 August, 2008, Blogger Chaucer's Bitch said:

I live in a postgrad student towerblock for international students. I will be sending this to all my Chinese flatmates immediately!
Thanks for the giggle.  



On Friday, 23 October, 2009, Blogger The Envoy said:

They should really teach this in schools. Part of "life" education.  



On Tuesday, 02 February, 2010, Blogger CyberJhemp said:

For the first picture, one might be tempted to answer He might be a banker...
In Cockney rhiming slang 'banker' 'merchant banker' and 'merchant' all mean wanker...

Like in :
Merchant Banker involved in Solo Sex Scandal.

:-)  



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