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roaches of the cock

No, I'm not talking about some hitherto unknown venereal disease. I'm talking about those pesky little creatures that sometimes turn up in your house when the weather starts warming up. Like round about now...

So here's a guide to the ones you will be meeting this summer:


The Drawer Dweller
The Drawer Dweller likes to hang out in kitchen drawers, hoping to cause maximum surprise. At first it just lies still, blending in with the bits and pieces cluttering up the drawer. However, when your hand goes in, it springs into life. The best course of action is to slam the drawer shut. When you open it again, it'll be gone. Until next time.



The Flying Fugger
Sadly, some people don't know that cockroaches can fly. The Flying Fugger likes to spread its wings when cornered. It usually waits till it detects a look of confidence on your face as you hover over it with a pan of boiling water. It'll then lift off, fly erratically for a few seconds before passing close to your face and then out through an open window or into a dark cupboard.





The Shit Eater
Contrary to its name, the Shit Eater prefers crumbs of food to bits of poo. Leave morsels on the sideboard in your kitchen at your peril. It likes to appear when you're watching TV, waiting for the best angle which will cause you to see it just out of the corner of your eye. Chasing it is futile. It will be gone before you're even on your feet.




The Roach Runner
All cockroaches are fast, but this is the fastest. It'll run in a straight line across the floor, from one corner to another. You'll think you saw something. You won't be certain. But wait a few minutes and you'll see it again. It may pause half way across the room, but this is just to taunt you.



The Toilet Seat Surpriser
Known to carry its own set of keys for flats in the neighbourhood, the Toilet Seat Surpriser usually enters the premises under the cover for darkness. It likes to lie in wait under the toilet seat for the flat dweller to come along at about 4am for an early morning bladder clearance session. Awoken by the flow of water hitting the bowl, the Toilet Seat Surpriser will then hurl itself from the seat and scuttle over your feet several times. Things can get messy, especially if you're a guy.



The Big Mother
This is the size of a large gerbil and has been known to eat small children. It's not as fast other cockroaches, but is so big and mean that it's quite happy to square up to any human who thinks they can take it on. Extermination methods can be read about here.





The Dreaded Dogroach
This could well be the most hideous of all cockroaches. It looks like a sickeningly cute dog demanding attention. As you reach out to stroke it or adjust its silly hat, it suddenly mutates into the ugliest of all cockroaches - still wearing the same ridiculous clothes.



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On Sunday, 25 May, 2008, Anonymous Deas said:

Dear Lord, be sure to nail any inkling of an infestation of dogroaches before they get going. Do not stomp on them, as this spreads the eggs. Instead, mix a solution of washing up liquid (dish detergent) and water and douse the critters with a spray bottle. This immobilizes and suffocates them cleanly. Pun intended. They may whine a bit and look at you with sad eyes as they go, but don't be fooled - they are devilish little creatures.

Btw - that's a real method to kill actual roaches. I'm originally from South Carolina in the states, and we have "palmetto bugs," which are roaches of some sort. They're jokingly referred to as our state bird. Yech.  



On Monday, 26 May, 2008, Anonymous Scotty.VOR said:

Ah yes, the Dogroach, a recent hideous mutation. Latin name: "Japanicus pampered-to-much-icus, looks-ridiculous"

Some say a good extermination method is to attach a brick to its neck and throw it in the ocean. Others say this is a waste of a brick, and suggest tying said brick around the owners neck.  



On Monday, 26 May, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said:

Roaches. Yep. True. Every bit and pieces about it. Nice job. Hilarious.  



On Monday, 26 May, 2008, Blogger Contamination said:

I don't mind the regular cockroaches, but that dog-roach deserves a GOOD STOMPING!  



On Wednesday, 28 May, 2008, OpenID muffinduckie said:

I'd run screaming hysterically if all of them appeared at once like a roach army.

Believe it or not, never seen a cockraoch here where I live. But flies irritate the hell out of me in summer......  



On Wednesday, 28 May, 2008, Anonymous Alex Case said:

I think any mutation of that dogroach would be a blessing, quite frankly. Is there a spray to kill those things? If so, would it be possible to spray the whole of Ginza from a plane every Sunday morning?  



On Saturday, 21 June, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said:

Haha, wow that is the funniest thing I've read in awhile. Keep up the good work ;D  



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