an englishman in osaka

the gomi hunters

Monday, June 27, 2005

It's the past-time of many a foreigner in Japan - gomi hunting. This involves walking the streets of the big cities looking for discarded items (aka rubbish) that could be put to good use in the home. For example, I had a friend who had three video recorders in his flat - all the fruits of intensive gomi hunting. I asked why he needed three, and he explained that one of them played but didn't rewind or fast-forward, the other rewound but didn't play or fast-forward and the third one fast-forwarded but didn't play or rewind.

If you're ever supping a drink in a gaijin bar, listen in on a conversation between foreigners and before long you're bound to hear them swapping stories about how one of them found a "washing machine like new" or perhaps a "great clock although it only has one hand." So imagine my delight when I recently stumbled on this little gold mine in downtown Osaka - a van AND a whole bunch of clothes and other things. I'm happy to report that most of the clothes fit really well, and the van drives like a dream.

i see kojak

Friday, June 24, 2005

Osaka, like much of Japan, is full of oddly-shaped buildings, oddly arranged, with lots of odd bits. Take the aerial shot of this building, for example. I just don't get it. Did the builders make it up as they went along? Was the designer a graduate of The Utterly Ridiculous & Completely Nonsensical School of Attempted Design? What's that jutting-out bit in the left corner for? And the window on the roof? And that other angled bit going along towards the other building?

Hang on a minute, on closer inspection, hasn't all the dirt formed itself into a ghostly image of the late American actor, Telly Savalas there in the bottom left? Perhaps I'll be able to sell that roof on eBay.

clammy parts

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Convenience stores are all over Japan in the same way that bingo halls are all over England. You can't take more than twenty paces in Osaka without stumbling across a Spar, for example.

However, yesterday I stumbled across a 'Hot' Spar. At first I couldn't work out why it wasn't just plain old Spar. Why hot? It was only when I entered that I realised.

These Hot Spars are so called because they have banished all air-conditioners from the premises. The average temperature of a Hot Spar is about 35C, which even on a hot day is exceptionally hot. It's all well and good to have these Hot Spars, especially for people who believe that air-conditioning is bad for the skin, but the chocolate bar that I bought had turned to liquid and so was hardly fit for consumption. Whatever next - Luke Warm Lawsons? Sultry Seven Elevens? Freezing Bloody Cold Family Marts? Probably not.

bee-ware

Friday, June 17, 2005

This sign scared the bejesus out of me. When I saw it, I was out of the park in a flash. There was no way that I wanted a confrontation with this, possibly the mother of all bees. It's probably the size of an elephant, with boxing gloves and short-range, heat-seeking missiles. Scary.

guards that love guarding guards

Sunday, June 12, 2005

It took me only a few days in Japan to notice that there are more uniformed guard-type people working here than is strictly necessary. Occasionally you might see one down a quiet back street, helping pedestrians to cross a road along which no car has travelled in the preceding four days. But he seems happy enough, waving his baton around and blowing his whistle at the invisible truck coming up the street.

Then yesterday I saw guards and automatic guards working in unison. That was a first. After monitoring the situation for a few minutes, I worked out that the guy nearest the camera is guarding the guy on the other side of the tracks, and that guy is guarding the guardrail which is guarding people from fast trains on the tracks, and that guardrail is also guarding the other guardrail nearest the camera, and just out of shot are four more guards guarding a Chief Guard who is guarding the whole overall guarding situation and at the same time being on the lookout for rogue guards who may have strayed from their guarding positions and accidentally on purpose be trying to guard the guards who absolutely do not need any guarding at all whatsoever.

dangly do

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Congratulations to the Japan football team for their win against North Korea last night. It’s good news indeed for the players, who will return to a hero’s welcome later today.

As for their North Korean counterparts, my guess is that they will also receive a memorable welcome when they touch down this afternoon. No doubt King John Ill will be there, requesting they step up onto a podium of sorts. He may well present them with some commemorative nooses which, like Olympic medals, he will place lovingly around their necks, before pulling a lever which will set off a gorgeous fireworks display, or something like that.

dog ploppers

Sunday, June 05, 2005

There's a new and sinister craze sweeping the streets of Osaka - among the dog community. The media are calling it Dog Plopping.

Gangs of dogs have been roaming the city streets late at night, depositing the contents of their filthy bowels in big fuming piles in places like shop doorways or outside pachinko parlours.

As a consequence, city officials have been erecting signs ordering the dogs to stop. By way of a simple drawing (as dogs can't read kanji), the signs clearly inform the dog that Dog Plopping is an offence. And I'm telling you now - if I can understand it, then I'm damn sure those crafty, conniving, crap-loving canines can, too.