Congratulations to the Japan football team for their win against North Korea last night. It’s good news indeed for the players, who will return to a hero’s welcome later today.

As for their North Korean counterparts, my guess is that they will also receive a memorable welcome when they touch down this afternoon. No doubt King John Ill will be there, requesting they step up onto a podium of sorts. He may well present them with some commemorative nooses which, like Olympic medals, he will place lovingly around their necks, before pulling a lever which will set off a gorgeous fireworks display, or something like that.

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