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the nori-p conspiracy

In recent weeks, the news and gossip shows have been giving almost blanket coverage to one story in particular.

As most of you will know, it concerns Nori-P, a singer/actress who went missing after her husband's arrest when he was found in possession of stimulant drugs - and we're not talking about a jar of Nescafe here.

The drugs were found in his underpants, though the police had originally thought he was just pleased to see them.

However, after rummaging around his nether regions, they quickly realised that it wasn't an erection at all, but actually a suspicious looking package. He was promptly arrested, while Nori-P went AWOL.

After six days in hiding, she handed herself in to the authorities. Police are now fiddling with her follicles in order to ascertain whether she has used the stimulant drugs, though critics have suggested that the boys in blue merely want to run their fingers through her gorgeous hair. Once the results of the tests on her hair come back, the facts of the case may become clearer.


Nori-P's exceptional hair is now undergoing lab tests.


TV shows have been covering every aspect of the case, from explaining why drugs don't work to footage showing the cell where she's being kept - which is larger than some regular Japanese apartments.

Of course, the conspiracy theorists are already out in force, suggesting that the woman who handed herself in to police was not Nori-P at all, but a lookalike.

With echoes of The Beatles' Paul is Dead conspiracy theory from the 1960s, the theorists are going so far as to say that Nori-P may also have copped it – they point to the last three letters of her nickname as evidence – RI-P.

Furthermore, the letters in her name are the same as the acronym for Northern Oklahoma Research and Investigations of the Paranormal, which all sounds rather mysterious.

Theorists are also making connections between Nori-P and her alleged drug use:
  • Anagrams of her real name (Noriko Sakai) come out variously as "A oak oink, sir", "A ski on air, ok" and "A oak, I rink so" - exactly the things you might say if you were hepped up on goofballs.
  • Her best selling single to date is Aoi Usagi (Blue Bunny). The question being asked is: "In what state of mind are you most likely to see a blue bunny?"
  • Theorists have also talked about how events leading up to her disappearance suggested things were not quite as they seemed, proved by this photo when Nori-P mistook Kitty-chan for her husband on a recent outing to Roppongi Hills. A mistake easily made with a clear head?

Nori-P on a date with her "husband".

It'll be up to to the hair-fondling cops to decide whether Nori-P is guilty of drug dabbling, and up to the public to decide if she will be allowed to resume her acting career. Either way, her days of geezin a bit of dee gee are almost certainly over.
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On Monday, 24 August, 2009, Blogger Baron's Life said:

Interesting story, didn't know they used drugs in Japan...well written  



On Monday, 24 August, 2009, Blogger Joe said:

"Detainees receive three meals a day and, during the summer season, bathe once every five days. During a 7am-9pm day, detainees can expect to face up to 8 hours of questioning."

Christ, remind me never to be arrested.  



On Monday, 24 August, 2009, Anonymous Scotty.VOR said:

A conspiracy? You don't know the half of it. See what I've just discovered: an anagram of "hello kitty" is "the kill toy".

Oowww....  



On Monday, 24 August, 2009, Blogger wrightak said:

Hilarious once again. Great article.

@Scotty.VOR LOL!  



On Tuesday, 25 August, 2009, Blogger Munin said:

Another fine giggle, sir! :)  



On Friday, 04 September, 2009, OpenID 1ondoncalling said:

What's her "husband's" name?

Danielle or Denial? ;-p  



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