an englishman in osaka

time please, ladies and gentlemen

2010-04-18T16:00:00.000+09:00

Thanks for visiting, and thanks for your comments.

There's a list of all the posts here.

Cheers!
An Englishman in Osaka

dashboard delights

2010-04-11T23:50:00.012+09:00

While some people clearly prefer the minimalist look.....

....others like to take things to the other extreme.....

....and perhaps even stick a mannequin on the outside for good measure.....

......or just go the whole hog and slap some paint on the front too....

head banger

2010-04-04T23:30:00.001+09:00

It's low.

But 160 centimetres was deemed high enough for people to pass safely under.

However, for those taller than 160, the bridge must be noticed in order to avoid getting a headache....

....or a severe migraine if you're cycling at speed....

A woman on a bicycle not smashing her head.

Let's face it, approaching this bridge at high speed without paying attention could result in a lot more than just loss of face....

photo: Botched

cosplay carnival

2010-03-28T22:13:00.002+09:00

Last weekend, in the middle of Osaka, people came out in costumes. To play.

There was quite a bit of flesh flashing about....

and where there was flesh, there were blokes with cameras....

....and blokes in dresses with cameras....

....and not blokes not in dresses with cameras....

....as well as people being trodden on...

Even Osaka Castle was trying to muscle in on the action....

There were characters I didn't recognise....

....and a few that I did.....

Batman makes an appearance

Some Osaka favourites were in attendance....

....along with some of Alice's friends....

To top it all off, there was even one guy dressed as a traffic cop!

the bending machine

2010-03-20T23:22:00.003+09:00

Bending machines are becoming more and more popular in Japan, though it's widely accepted that they could do with some help in the looks department....

The latest bending machine, made by Panasonic Bendy Labs.

The machine is perfect for bending straight fruit which look better bent, such as bananas. More and more supermarkets are using the bending machine to repair their faulty fruit and veg.

The object in need of bending is first placed carefully inside the bending chamber. Next, the bendometer dial is set between 1 and 11, with 1 producing a slight kink, and 11 curling it right around into an almost circular shape.

Once the big red button is pressed, the machine works in silence as it cleverly rearranges the object's molecules into a bent shape.

Here's an example of the wonders which the machine can work.....

Recently, the machine even came in handy for Mao Asada, just prior to her appearance at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver.

She underwent a partial body insertion into the bending chamber, the effect of which was both stunning and eye-watering, and helped her towards her silver medal triumph. If only they'd turned the bendometer dial right up to 11 - then she may well have got the gold.

It doesn't always work like clockwork, though. Poor Brenda Saddleworth recently fell inside the bending chamber and no one realised until it was too late....

Brenda Saddleworth: patiently waiting for the invention of the straightening machine.

terminal

2010-03-12T18:20:00.004+09:00

Question:
What do John Travolta's house and Ibaraki's new international airport have in common?

Answer:
They've both got one plane parked up outside.

Ibaraki Airport, currently operating one flight a day.

Wait a minute, Travolta appears to be operating TWICE as many planes!

Japan's 98th airport, which cost 22 billion yen (£lots) to build, opened on Thursday.
Full story here.

playgrounds of the world

2010-03-07T22:51:00.000+09:00

As it's International Playground Month for the third time in five years, let's take a quiet moment to pay tribute to some of the world's finest grounds of play enjoyed by the little people of this big planet....

Boston, USA

Lots of colour; excellent safety mats; and a funny looking plastic man with potties for feet.

Vienna, Austria

This award winner has a variety of spindly slides radiating out from a central point, like a spider with dyed legs.

Ekaterinburg, Russia

It's got an old communist look, what with its shapes and colours and tyres, but it's also completely bonkers, therefore perfect for children.

Newcastle, Australia

Built in the countryside because of the loud noise of fun, this great setup has an original design that's a lot more stimulating than it looks from the playground's bungee jump launch point.

Osaka, Japan

This minimalist design makes big demands on a child's imagination but the soft ground means that if they should fall from the camel's head, they'll walk away with only a mild bout of concussion.

not JUST coffee

2010-02-27T20:40:00.001+09:00

Walk the streets of Japan for more than a few minutes and you'll quickly realise that people here absolutely love coffee, although NEVER just by itself....

Here's a splendid one for starters....

Sounds nice....

Ever tried a coffee pizza?

Switching the word order may cause confusion....

Even the "&" is back to front.

Wouldn't beer be better?

Not for the indecisive....

"I'll have a coffee, no wait, make that a tea, hang on, coffee, no tea, coffee..." etc etc

No such dilemmas here....

Perfect for the more hirsute members of society....

Enjoy a drink with the popular Japanese figure skater.

A kick in the teeth with every cappuccino!

[Bottom three photos courtesy of London Shop Fronts]

susan boiled

2010-02-21T13:31:00.004+09:00

Both were plucked from obscurity before going on to become superstars.

Both found fame and fortune through the art of singing.

Both are human beings.

But that's pretty much where the similarities end. One is more likely to be found enjoying haggis rather than sushi, but then Shingo always did have strange eating habits.

Shingo Katori of boy band SMAP.

SMAP (short for Some Mammals Are Potty) is Japan's longest running man band, formed in 1972 and still going strong. It comprises five members, all of whom spend most of their time on TV singing, acting, cooking and endorsing a wide range of household products.

On their recent TV show, which usually features singing, acting, cooking and the endorsement of a wide range of household products, they did a piece where Shingo got made up as Susan Boyle.

They recreated the Britain's Got Talent show where Susan first appeared in front of Simon Cowell in a brown dress, although they had to reshoot that scene so Simon could slip into something more appropriate.

On the SMAP show, another member of the man band played the part of Simon Cowell....

Left: Simon Cowell. Right: Fully clothed Tsuyoshi Kusanagi.

And a woman in a blonde wig played the part of Amanda Holden....

Left: Amanda Holden. Right: Fully clothed Amanda Holden :(

And then onto the stage walked Shingo who, in preparation for the part, had either spent a good few hours in the make-up chair or else spent more than a good few hours down at his local Mr Donuts....

Left: Shingo. Right: Susan

Then it all went a bit weird. As if it wasn't already a little odd....

She starts singing Amazing Grace, but every so often glances off-stage at someone in the wings....someone doing something sinister in the shadows. No, it wasn't Takuya Kimura performing an indecent act on Hank Marvin; it seemed to be someone holding a microphone.

At this point the truth begins to dawn.....

It's not Susan Boyle singing. She's miming. The person in the wings is singing for her - but the singer is making a hash of it, making poor Susan look like a right old mess.

SMAP appear to be suggesting that Boyle is a fraud.

As Boyle messes up, Cowell spots the shadowy figure in the wings, and the panel of judges suspect Boyle has been miming. Boyle maintains that it was she who'd been singing, as the person in the wings runs off.

"Is that Elaine Paige over there?"

And that's where it ended, though there may or may not be another part of this story to come.

Here's a shortened version of the SMAP show featuring Shingo Boyle....

Running time: 150 seconds.

product recall - URGENT

2010-02-14T23:55:00.011+09:00

Kyodo News has been reporting that the Japanese government has this evening issued an urgent recall regarding the dress shirt worn by Prime Minister Hatoyama at a ~~stage-managed photo opportunity~~ meeting with parents regarding childcare allowance earlier in the day.

The authorities stated that the shirt is in breach of health and safety laws.

When pressed, officials admitted that it could result in acute embarrassment if worn in public places.

Furthermore, it could also cause great offence to the people in whose presence it is worn.

Senior government aides assured people that if treated with care, the shirt should pose no immediate threat to dignity, but that it should nevertheless be returned to the dealership from which it was purchased forthwith.

Top left bottom centre middle right left: Hatoyama

A very dangerous shirt.

unsung heroes of japan (1)

2010-02-07T23:50:00.029+09:00

The Man Under The Platform

While walking along the platform of your local train station, have you ever wondered what's going on beneath your feet?

No, neither have I.

However, I recently discovered that there is a man down there performing a very important role.

For it is his job to ensure that the wheels of incoming trains are perfectly aligned with the tracks on which they come in on.

The slightest discrepancy or irregularity will be immediately addressed by the man under the platform, thereby guaranteeing the smooth continuation of an impeccable nationwide service.

During the rush hour, they usually work in pairs....

Two men under a platform waiting for the 7.57 bound for Tokyo.

Rarely spoken of and seldom seen, the man under the platform does not seek the limelight, nor recognition.

Instead, he simply goes about his duty responsibly and diligently, with the sole aim of ensuring that those using the train service can do so secure in the knowledge that the width of the track will be precisely the same as the distance between the wheels of the train on which they are travelling. No wider. No narrower.

A bullet train arriving perfectly as the man under the platform looks on.

horrifying head?

2010-01-31T23:55:00.010+09:00

Many will consider these heads to be imaginative works of art.

They may well have been inspired by a disturbing dream.....

....or by some mind-bending stimulants.

They could possibly be the work of someone fascinated by faces - as well as knockers.

That's all well and good.

However, while out walking recently in deepest rural Nagano, I happened upon a head which later caused me to have a disturbing dream, made worse by mind-bending stimulants such as red wine and cheese.

You see, from a distance it looked rather horrifying and for an awful moment I thought I'd stumbled across the following day's news headlines....

A head on a signpost - it's not what you want to see in the middle of the countryside.

a cheap vending machine in osaka

2010-01-24T23:17:00.011+09:00

Soon after being serviced by Miki, I happened upon what could well be the cheapest vending machine in Japan, dispensing drinks for a mere 50 yen.....

I mean, just 50 yen!

Maybe there is a

....although God evidently costs substantially more than 50 yen.

a winter warmer

2010-01-17T21:18:00.000+09:00

On a cold winter evening, there's nothing quite like tucking into some nice bread....

....and washing it down with a warmed-up glass of Vinegar and Milk.....

....before finally vomiting into the toilet.

bald osaka

2010-01-10T14:15:00.018+09:00

A plane coming in to land at Osaka's main airport.

Osaka is known widely as the kitchen of Japan. Not because the city's inhabitants enjoy washing dishes (though they might), but because Osaka contains more cooking utensils per square kilometre than anywhere else in the country.

Kyoto might have its temples and shrines, but Osaka has its pots and pans. But more about that later....

When you approach Osaka from any direction, the first building most people see is the city's answer to the Arc de Triomphe - the Umeda Sky Building. Opened in 1993, it includes a cinema and the German consulate.

It was once said that a spitfire flew through the arch of the building in a spectacular aerobatic stunt, but it's not true. It never happened.

The iconic Sky Building.

The city has its fair share of pricey beauty salons for people who want to look lovely, but it also has an abundance of discount barbershops for those in dire need of a cheap haircut...

A magical haircut costs just 1,000 yen in Osaka.

No city in Japan would be complete without a castle, and Osaka is no exception. Reconstructed more times than Posh Spice's ladybumps, the castle lies in 15 acres of greenery and water, and is open to the public all through the year.

Osaka castle and its moat.

There are several entertainment areas in the city, the most popular being Namba. Here you can find the famous Glico Man, best viewed at night, but often viewed in the day....

Glico Man celebrates Osaka's deeply rooted fascination with Glicos.

Close by you'll also find a Ferris wheel that buckled severely during the Hanshin earthquake....

A bent big wheel.

But as previously mentioned, Osaka is mostly about cooking. Everywhere you look, you see food - especially if you're inside a supermarket. And there are restaurants galore.

You want crabs? You got crabs....

A crab on a wall.

Kuidaore Taro is a drum-playing clown who for more than 50 years banged his drum outside a famous Namba restaurant. Tourists came from across the country to have their photo taken beside Kuidaore Taro. Last year, however, Taro was accused of banging more than just his drum and as a consequence was hastily removed by security staff and placed in a closet.

The public missed Taro so much that they demanded his immediate return.

As a result, Taro has since come out of the closet and now stands close to where he used to be, once again banging his drum while moving his head about and grinning....

Kuidaore Taro and his drum.

Meet someone in Shibuya and Hachiko might well be the chosen spot. In Osaka, Big Man will likely be the place.

For first timers, however, this could be rather confusing as Big Man is neither Big, or a Man. A better name would be Medium-sized Video Screen. But this might also be confusing as there are many medium-sized video screens in Osaka. So Big Man it is. And this is Big Man....

Medium-sized Video Screen

The largest shop in the city is Yodobashi Camera, which incidentally sells a lot more besides cameras and yodobashis....

Yodobashi Camera - it's massive.

Where Tokyo has the manic Shibuya crossing, Osaka has the equally manic and labyrinthine Whity Underground Shopping Center. There are many people who entered Whity months ago for nothing more than "a bag of sugar", but are still yet to find their way out.

The advice is, tie one end of a piece of string around a lamp post on street level, and the other end around your wrist. That way, you should be able to escape once you have your bag of sugar....

The main intersection in Whity Underground Shopping Center where lost people approach from every possible angle.

Another prominent feature of Osaka's skyline is the large red Ferris wheel that balances precariously atop the HEP Five shopping centre.....

Finally, as touched upon at the start of this post, Osaka is really all about food. The variety and choice is astonishing and the cost of eating out needn't break the bank.

But if you only eat one thing here, make sure you try the tasty takoyaki (boiled octopus in batter). It's the food that Osaka is renowned for, and is as popular as it ever was....

Osaka's famous takoyaki.

when kairo go wrong....

2010-01-01T18:32:00.004+09:00

Kairo are popular in winter time, for keeping warm.

christmas is....

2009-12-25T15:30:00.007+09:00

...the Pink Panther in a Santa outfit....

quackers?

2009-12-20T16:17:00.007+09:00

I think I've been hallucinating; maybe something got in the water supply....

So I was swanning about by the Yodogawa the other day when suddenly, across the way, I think I see a massive great rubber duck floating along by the river bank.....

I do a double take, and then a triple one. I have a flashback and recall another recent episode where I thought I saw a pig in a combat jacket.

Wait a minute, I DID see a pig in a combat jacket...

Remember, a pig is not just for Christmas.

Recipes here.

So back to the duck.

I do a quadruple take and, with a cricked neck, decide to take a closer look to see if the duck is real or simply some bizarre trick of the light.

So I walk towards it and it doesn't disappear, and before I know it, for the first time in my life, I'm face to face with a giant rubber duck.

It's really there. I feel relieved. For a moment I thought I was quacking up.

Then he starts talking to me. He wants something. I can't make out what he's saying at first, but then I catch a couple of words. He wants a cigarette. He says he's a 20-a-day duck and hasn't had a ciggie in ages.

But then I see the notice....

It's a no-smoking area and giant rubber ducks aren't exempt. It ruffles his feathers a bit. I sneeze. When I look up, he's gone.

I stroll home, passing a cafe where I see a giraffe enjoying a latte.

futenma decision decided

2009-12-16T19:03:00.004+09:00

please mind the step

2009-12-13T22:50:00.011+09:00

Design flaw?

I don't know.

Perhaps the road used to be higher.

Or maybe the house was once lower.

Or did the builders simply get their calculations wrong?

Then again, I suppose it's possible the architect was just having a laugh.....

fart song

2009-12-06T16:50:00.000+09:00

As fart songs go, this is one of the better ones, and has a well choreographed dance video accompanying it.

The song encourages womanly ladies of the female variety not to hold in any build up of gas that might be knocking on the emergency exit door.

The video begins in, of all places, a lift.

Now, from body language alone, can you tell which woman is keeping it in?

Man or woman, it's best not to let one off in a lift.

That's correct, it's the one on the right...

The song then begins....

"Onara" is the Japanese word for fart.

During the performance, gaseous ejections are shown in the form of lovely little pink hearts....

In Japan, even farts are cute.

"Oh! Nice lovely!"

The video ends beautifully with the girl smiling before letting out an audible fart. The reactions of the other women in the lift are not shown.

Happiness is a lift full of gas.

See the video here (with English subtitles)....
Running time: 2 minutes

S.O.G. (save our gyoza)

2009-11-29T22:55:00.001+09:00

In the Umeda district of Osaka, in the shadow of the Hep Five shopping centre, you'll find Gyoza Stadium. It is, as the name suggests, full of gyoza. However, unlike most stadiums, this one has no one in it.

If you like gyoza and you find yourself in Osaka, consider dropping by - as it may not be there much longer....

The 'sutadiam' needs paying customers, and soon.

There's plenty of tasty gyoza knocking about....

....at reasonable prices....

....and lots of choice....

....but no punters.....

Even those who like to eat gyoza while playing table tennis were absent....

Gyoza-eating table tennis players are more than welcome.

Gyoza Stadium is a perfectly pleasant place with many small gyoza shops laid out on one floor in a manner that causes you to have to walk about a bit, but this is no real hardship (if you like gyoza)....

Here, a member of staff pretends to be busy....

Do you have a baby, or are you very small? If yes, they have chairs especially for you, so there's really no excuse not to go....

Small chairs.

Just as I went to vacate the stadium, I spotted something in the corner, something much needed....

...or just a member of staff?

toilet talk

2009-11-22T23:45:00.001+09:00

As you can imagine, I often receive emails asking me about Japanese toiletry concerns - from people who are into that kind of thing.

In response, I spent some time researching nearby public toilets with my camera - although I'm really not into that kind of thing.

Three photos and one police interrogation later, I managed to get a very small collection of pics together for the delectation of those who are into that kind of thing....

Signs for toilets, for example, can come in a number of designs. This one is standard, the kind you'd expect to see almost anywhere in the world...

Simple, clear, efficient.

This one is far from standard, but rather entertaining, possibly causing you to piss yourself laughing. Literally, if you're not careful.

Simple, clear, efficient, amusing.

I can't be sure what this one's all about though.....

Whereas the message on this sign, seen on a hut on a country road, is all too clear...

Do NOT splash it about around here.

Here's a gem, found in an old block of flats built at a time when sit-down toilets were still something of a novelty in the country. It's a notice on the toilet-roll holder explaining to newbies how to use a sit-down toilet.

The carefully drawn diagram on the left explains that men should lift the toilet lid when peeing, or there might be a right old mess, whereas the diagram on the right says that for ladies' number ones and everyone's number twos, it's really a good idea to sit down (on the seat and not the part underneath that the guys have urinated onto).

the unrush hour

2009-11-15T18:20:00.029+09:00

In Japan's larger cities, the rush hour might well involve a bloke in white gloves shoving you onto a carriage till you're so far in that your face squashes up against the window while someone's briefcase rides up your backside as you try to make sure your hands don't touch anyone lest you be accused of groping.

Outside the big cities though, the situation is somewhat different. The rush hour might involve a train pulling in to the station, the doors opening, you stepping on to the train in a style of your choosing, walking to a seat at a steady pace and sitting down.

Your main concern will be finding a position which you deem suitable.....

...so that you can kick back and relax....

...and once you're nice and comfortable, you can happily doze off....

....having taken your shoes off first, of course.

long-lasting liza

2009-11-08T23:30:00.004+09:00

The recession continues to bite in Japan - take a little stroll around any 'hood and you'll likely see a fair few empty premises.

However, it's good to see that Liza is planning to stick around for a while...

You can always count on Liza.

spreading the word

2009-11-01T21:45:00.003+09:00

Apparently, like Eminem, Christianity is not big in Japan.

This is not altogether surprising as they already have their hands full with two other religions, Shintoism and Buddhism.

Having said that, there are roughly a million Christians in total here - though in a country the size of Japan, it's not a lot. But if it was a country the size of Barbados, it would be. But it's not.

Walk around any neighbourhood and you'll find plenty of churches, but in many cases the pews will be empty.

It appears that it's all down to the advertising methods being employed by the Christian Association of Japan. Sticking a few TVs in a wall and running God-related ads around the clock just isn't cutting it.

Let's be honest, corrugated iron never looks good, no matter what colour you paint it.

It's something of a surprise that there aren't more Christians here, as according to the people of Shingo in northern Japan, Jesus is buried in their village.

Legend has it that instead of having his hands nailed into wood, Jesus fled to Japan and ended up living in Shingo, doing a spot of rice farming and dying at the ripe old age of 106.

On his way to Shingo, he visited the Gion district of Kyoto because he'd read in his guidebook that it was a really lovely place....

Jesus was said to have been impressed by the doors in Gion.

Moving on from Gion, he soon found himself feeling rather peckish and, for the first time in his life, tried takoyaki - little chunks of diced octopus inside a ball of light fluffy batter...

Despite burning his tongue on his first bite, takoyaki became part of Jesus's calorie controlled diet while living in Shingo.

Jesus forewent the bullet train in favour of leg-power, arriving in Shingo a few weeks later. Here he lived out the rest of days mingling with the locals and eating takoyaki.

"Tooooooouuuuuuchakuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!"

kurama in flames

2009-10-24T13:15:00.004+09:00

If the sparks that fly when two flint stones are rubbed together give you a semi-boner, or if the lighting of a match gives you a whacking great woody, then the Kurama Fire Festival will likely make you as stiff as a rigor mortis-ridden rabbit found on a freezing winter morn in the glorious mountains surrounding this tiny village half an hour north of Kyoto.

Now I'm not a fire starter, twisted fire starter, but after reading about this festival, I thought I'd go along for some flaming good festive fun. The problem was, the entire population of Kyoto also had the same idea.

This meant that on Thursday, all the people who were here at lunchtime...

....were here at dinnertime....

The parade takes place along a narrow bonfire-filled street bordered by wooden houses against a backdrop of tinder-dry trees as a result of a drier than usual summer. Perfect conditions for a blazing good night.

The crowd was made up of:
30% Japanese spectators
10% Tall Westerners blocking the view of the Japanese spectators
60% Police officers with megaphones
0% Firefighters

The number of police officers in attendance was quite astonishing. I'm sure it meant that at the same time there were no police officers in the whole of the rest of Japan, allowing criminals across the nation to run riot.

Apparently the people in the parade chant "sairei, sairyo" as they move along the street carrying enormous pine torches, but unfortunately I couldn't hear it as the police were chanting "move back, move along" through their enormously loud megaphones.

A megaphone with the volume turned up to 11.

A megaphone-happy cop.

Many police officers had swine flu. Or didn't want to catch swine flu.

At around six o'clock it all kicked off. Firestarters, twisted firestarters were scurrying about starting fires all over the show, and before long, thick billowing smoke was rolling down the main street...

Kurama was quickly ablaze, with some bonfires singeing the eyebrows of those standing too close....

A police officer warms his hands on one of the many fires.

An RPPT - rocket propelled pine torch

A couple of participants warming their extremities by the fire.

By eight o'clock there was so much fire around that the oxygen was starting to be sucked out of the air.

At one point, a bonfire close to me started lashing out, like a violent drunk looking for trouble. Chaos ensued....

Beware - fire can be unpredictable.

There was a flash and a bang and before I could say "Where's the water?", I found myself in the middle of a virtual fireball....

Thankfully the fires were eventually brought under control and order was restored. And then it was time to leave.

As I made my way to the station, I saw a mysterious figure lurking in the shadows. Ah yes, it was a policeman with a megaphone.

Festival breakdown:
Fire factor: 10 out of 10
Most dangerous place: Everywhere
Least dangerous place: In the lake
Noise: Mostly from megaphones
Good for: Pyromaniacs / megalomegaphonemaniacs

A review of the Danjiri Matsuri in Kishiwada can be found here.

past pachinko

2009-10-18T23:18:00.003+09:00

As we know all too well, there are many kinds of balls in life.

Pool balls....

Testiballs....

Ed Balls....

Currently the UK's Secretary of State for Children, School Dinners and Families.

And of course, pachinko balls....

Without pachinko balls, there would never have been any pachinko halls, as the pachinko machine would never have been invented.

Indeed, could THIS be Japan's oldest surviving pachinko machine, a contraption I recently found abandoned in an Osaka backstreet?

No, probably not.

pimp my (barge) ride

2009-10-11T23:51:00.001+09:00

When a friend told me recently that a barge had just cruised into town, images of ye olde English narrowboats crawling along the canals of Osaka immediately came to mind.

It was a scene I didn't want to miss, and I rushed along to get a glimpse of a boat that I thought would be something like this....

...being steered by a man who looked a bit like this....

...but instead I saw a strange looking fella like this....

....steering a guaranteed-to-give-little-children-nightmares barge - like this....

A little baby driver with a bloody great dragon behind it.

It wasn't quite what I'd been expecting, I mean, I can hardly imagine it plying the peaceful waters of the Trent and Mersey canal....

Actually I wouldn't mind seeing it plying the peaceful waters of the Trent and Mersey canal....

It's a barge quite unlike any other....

Fun for all the family!

According to this article, artist Kenji Yanobe is hoping that when people see his fire-breathing teeth-gnashing fearsome looking creation, they will "think about peace"....

Here's an alternative image that might cause people to think about peace....

....though on second thoughts, this one is far more interesting....

A peaceful fire-breathing dragon barge.

Here you can watch the barge doing things that barges don't normally do....

Video from here

beer cans, wires, and a wheel trim

2009-10-04T20:29:00.008+09:00

Can you guess what it is?

What on earth could it be? From here it just looks like a collection of pipes and tubes....hmm, what else is there....is that a broom? Bits of wood.....

OK, so now we have a basketball, and what looks like some beer cans......any the wiser?

From here we can see a load more beer cans, wires, a wheel trim and, among other things, a circuit board......

Got it?

No, it's not a new product from Microsoft......

....that's right, it's.......

A LOAD OF RUBBISH.

But it's also a bit more than that.

Here's another clue....

Osaka's main river, the Yodogawa.

Yes, all that rubbish is part of Aqua Metropolis Osaka 2009, where the city's rivers have been revitalised by getting all the crap out of them. This has then been used to make some rather fetching sculptures....

a rubbish fish in osaka

This little number was made with rubbish pulled from the Yodogawa and Osaka Bay.

I guess it's a celebration of all the gunk people throw in, for without it, this wonderful piece of art could never have been created.

So when it comes to garbage, we can conclude that the people of Osaka either:

a) religiously recycle it, separate it, and carefully divide it between boxes, bags and bins marked for burnables, non-burnables, plastics, non-plastics, cans, bottles, non-bottles, PET bottles, glass bottles, ten green bottles, paper, card, electrical equipment, magazines and newspapers,

or

b) chuck it in the river

If it does go in the river, this is what may come out - a kind of mutant man-eating bevvied-up beer-canned underwater monster, seen below as it was caught in the act of devouring its final victim....

Whoever was wearing this jacket got a nasty surprise when they opted for b)

no-no shaver

2009-09-27T20:53:00.001+09:00

In Japan, you don't see a lot of hair - apart from on top of the head or blocking up the plug hole.

There are few moustaches, and if someone has a beard it's usually a fake one bought from a novelty shop. Excessive hair seems to be a big no-no.

For women in particular, a hairy arm could be a cause of embarrassment. Two hairy arms would be twice as bad.

Anti-hair manufacturers across the nation are constantly bringing out new products to keep the bristles at bay.

But now it seems like the definitive product (another one) is finally here. It's the no-no shaver. The first no refers to no hair. The second no refers, reassuringly, to no pain.

The no-no shaver was featured on a recent TV infomercial. It went on for a good hour. There was hair all over the place.

Finally, a hair remover that doesn't hurt like hell.

The shaver incorporates burning technology which essentially frazzles your follicles and melts your hair, leaving a burnt-hair odour to confirm that the job's done. And apparently it doesn't hurt a jot.

The infomercial went to extraordinary lengths to demonstrate the no-pain factor by showing how painful other methods of hair extraction can be.

Three unsuspecting souls with suitably hairy haunches were hauled in off the street and forced to volunteer for a test using the no-no shaver. They made it sound like pain would not be involved.

But within minutes of their hirsute legs being thrust before the cameras, it was clear that a high level of discomfort (ie. pain) was central to the show, with one of the women soon suffering audible pain.....

One was given the no-no shaver. Another was given a good old-fashioned bloodletting razor and finally, thrust into the hand of the woman who drew the short straw was little more than a pair of pliers. Plucking hell! Wasn't it obvious these weren't going to be the best method of hair removal? Yes, it was obvious, but the infomercial makers wanted to film it nonetheless.

1 - the no-pain shaver. 2 - the bloody razor. 3 - the plucking pliers

The poor plucker on the far right looks like she might be regretting her decision to "have a bit of fun" by volunteering for the experiment....

"3....2.....1....shave!"

The plucker is off camera, although she can be heard. Screaming.

Then, just as you weren't expecting it, they showed a close-up of the plucker at work.

It all seemed rather unnecessary. And she could be heard yelling one word....

Meanwhile, the other two collected their hair in a large bowl.

A big bowl for all the hair.

Not surprisingly, the no-no shaver came out the winner.

As the plucker was carted off to hospital, the infomercial concluded that the no-no shaver was by far the most efficient and least painful way to remove hair.

The ad closed with some shots of a model shaving her hairless body....

...from her legs up to her arms and beyond....

It was a wonderfully pain-free end to a painful-looking infomercial.

bear beware

2009-09-20T23:30:00.017+09:00

If you go down to the bus terminal today,
You're sure of a big surprise.

If you go down to the bus terminal today,
You'd better go in disguise.

For every bear that ever there was,
Will not gather there for certain because,
Today's the day a bear will be gunned down in a souvenir shop.

See it gaily gad about,
And make the tourists scream and shout....

Sadly, the bear involved in the fracas in Gifu prefecture at the weekend bought it.

Full report here. It was shot dead as it entered a souvenir shop. It seems a bit harsh when it was probably only going in there to purchase a Hello Kitty key ring.

The incident serves as a reminder that bears do occasionally come down from the mountains in search of souvenirs.

However, open your eyes a little and you can see them everywhere. Here's one I spotted outside a Lawson recently...

A bear wearing a nice pair of shoes.

A sloth of bears lying in wait for the driver to return...

Open-back trucks are a popular meeting place for bears (and dogs) in the city...

This one was happy enough to pose for the camera...

...before trying to eat it.

And this one was simply lounging about outside a shop, happily shouting abuse at passers-by....

the boyladies

2009-09-13T21:44:00.004+09:00

When friends return from a trip to Thailand, they talk of many things. They talk of the spicy food; they talk of the full moon parties of which they remember nothing; and they talk of the ladyboys.

To the best of my knowledge, a ladyboy is a boy that wants to be a girl, or possibly a girl that was a boy, even though particular appendages may still be in place. It's quite possible that the term ladyboy covers everyone from a lad with a moustache who calls himself Sue, to a former lad who now has ladybumps the size of small planets, with his middle wicket having recently been removed by a team of crack surgeons, so to speak.

In a small city a stone's throw from Osaka, it's a slightly different story. Here, you'll find the boyladies.

The Takarazuka Revue Company is a theatrical troupe, and a wildly popular one at that, especially among women. Real women, that is.

And what's more, the performers in the troupe are all women. This is where the boylady bit comes in. With no men to play the roles of men, the ladies have to don Y-fronts and beards and do the job for them. And they do it with aplomb.

Below: Some members of the Takarazuka Revue Company.

There are no male members in the Takarazuka Revue Company, both literally and figuratively speaking.

It's not certain how they deal with a scene that involves a high degree of romantic entanglement, but a fair few tickets are bought by people keen to find out...

The troupe has been going since 1913 and productions have included Guys and Dolls, Me and My Girl, and Carry On Up The Khyber.

Singin' in the Rain

Police Academy III

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Walk down any street in Osaka and you'll see posters for their upcoming production, The Rose of Versaille.

It's about a girl brought up as a man to become her father's successor. At first the girl goes along with the whole idea, but she later realises that her true love is a bloke, at which point she decides to live as a lady, which is what she is - a plot perfect for the Takarazuka treatment.

The storyline certainly got my exciter going.

road gardens

2009-09-06T22:55:00.016+09:00

People are forever saying that Japan doesn't have much space, but it's not true. There's plenty of space here. The only problem is that most of it is at an angle of 80 degrees.

The land of Japan covers 364,000 sq km, which is at least the same as the Isle of Wight and probably twice the size of Wales, so we're talking big here. But the fact is, most of it comprises mountains. As a result, the cities, built on the flat bits, can be pretty tightly packed - so in places like Osaka, there's not a great deal of green to be seen.

More often than not, a house is built without a garden, front or back. The front door leads straight onto the road (there are few pavements), which means you can never walk out of your house backwards. This is annoying if that's the kind of thing you like to do.

However, the people of Osaka are a determined bunch, and the mere fact that they have no garden will certainly not stop them from having a garden.

So take a stroll around the city's backstreets and before long you're bound to stumble across what has become known as the road garden....

Here, beer crates from the izakaya next door are put to good use.

Sometimes a great deal of time and effort is put into these landscaped masterpieces...

...while other times....

"Bish, bash, bosh and we got ourselves a garden."

They certainly bring a bit of colour and character to what would otherwise be a....er...road.

Here's one which is borderline bonkers...

More road jungle than road garden.

....whereas the creator of this road garden has taken a more minimalist approach....

Plant pots that will still be there the next morning.

japan votes

2009-08-30T16:13:00.012+09:00

Aso on TV all the time. Hatoyama clutching a bunch of mics on the news every day. Politicians outside train stations shouting through megaphones. Vans trundling through neighbourhoods with loudspeakers blaring out. Any one would think there was a general election going on. Oh wait a minute.

The nation is deciding. Now.

It seems that voters face a straight choice between a man:
...from a political and industrial elite
...whose grandfather was prime minister
...whose family founded a giant industrial company
...who studied in the United States
...who studied at an elite university (Stanford)

and a man:
...from a political and industrial elite
...whose grandfather was prime minister
...whose family founded a giant industrial company
...who studied in the United States
...who studied at an elite university (Stanford)

If I was a betting man, I'd put a ton of money on the winner of this election being a man:
...from a political and industrial elite
...whose grandfather was prime minister
...whose family founded a giant industrial company
...who studied in the United States
...who studied at an elite university (Stanford)

The streets are awash with photos of candidates with pleasant smiles and cheesy grins, though the guy in this one looks like he'd rather settle the election in a more physical way than the law currently allows...

Shaping up for a fight?

In the olden days, elections were settled with games of rock, paper, scissors, but more recently, polling stations and voting slips are used.

Polling stations have been open since seven this morning and the early signs are that there could be a record turnout.

Here a young voter arrives at her local polling station to cast her ballot...

the nori-p conspiracy

2009-08-23T10:57:00.074+09:00

In recent weeks, the news and gossip shows have been giving almost blanket coverage to one story in particular.

As most of you will know, it concerns Nori-P, a singer/actress who went missing after her husband's arrest when he was found in possession of stimulant drugs - and we're not talking about a jar of Nescafe here.

The drugs were found in his underpants, though the police had originally thought he was just pleased to see them.

However, after rummaging around his nether regions, they quickly realised that it wasn't an erection at all, but actually a suspicious looking package. He was promptly arrested, while Nori-P went AWOL.

After six days in hiding, she handed herself in to the authorities. Police are now fiddling with her follicles in order to ascertain whether she has used the stimulant drugs, though critics have suggested that the boys in blue merely want to run their fingers through her gorgeous hair. Once the results of the tests on her hair come back, the facts of the case may become clearer.

Nori-P's exceptional hair is now undergoing lab tests.

TV shows have been covering every aspect of the case, from explaining why drugs don't work to footage showing the cell where she's being kept - which is larger than some regular Japanese apartments.

Of course, the conspiracy theorists are already out in force, suggesting that the woman who handed herself in to police was not Nori-P at all, but a lookalike.

With echoes of The Beatles' Paul is Dead conspiracy theory from the 1960s, the theorists are going so far as to say that Nori-P may also have copped it – they point to the last three letters of her nickname as evidence – RI-P.

Furthermore, the letters in her name are the same as the acronym for Northern Oklahoma Research and Investigations of the Paranormal, which all sounds rather mysterious.

Theorists are also making connections between Nori-P and her alleged drug use:

Anagrams of her real name (Noriko Sakai) come out variously as "A oak oink, sir", "A ski on air, ok" and "A oak, I rink so" - exactly the things you might say if you were hepped up on goofballs.

Her best selling single to date is Aoi Usagi (Blue Bunny). The question being asked is: "In what state of mind are you most likely to see a blue bunny?"

Theorists have also talked about how events leading up to her disappearance suggested things were not quite as they seemed, proved by this photo when Nori-P mistook Kitty-chan for her husband on a recent outing to Roppongi Hills. A mistake easily made with a clear head?

Nori-P on a date with her "husband".

It'll be up to to the hair-fondling cops to decide whether Nori-P is guilty of drug dabbling, and up to the public to decide if she will be allowed to resume her acting career. Either way, her days of geezin a bit of dee gee are almost certainly over.

anointy nointy

2009-08-16T19:00:00.008+09:00

This fantastic photo has been doing the rounds in the last few days, and deservedly so.

Melissa Brandt and her partner had set up their camera beside this stunning lake in Canada's Banff National Park, set the timer and taken their position. Just as the shutter went, a squirrel popped up from nowhere and posed for the shot.

To be honest, I have my doubts about the authenticity of the story. I mean, the squirrel is so perfectly in focus and so well framed that I can't help thinking the couple hurried into the shot just as the squirrel took the photo.

The photo was taken this month, the very same month in which Japan goes to the polls.

The forthcoming election is the talk of the towns across the country as history will likely be made, with the ruling Liberal Democratic Party (LDP) almost certainly winning yet again, making them the longest ruling party ever, breaking a long held record which they already hold and are likely to keep hold of for a very long time indeed.

For some reason, they always win. They've been in power for almost the whole time since 1955. They never lose, even if they try to. They can't not win. They can not not not lose.

However, the main opposition party, the Democratic Party (DP), are doing well in the opinion polls. As a result, the DP are starting to believe that they can win this election. But they probably won't. Because the LDP always win.

That said, the election campaign is being fiercely fought. In recent days the DP's leader, Yukio Hatoyama, was out on the streets showing off his party's manifesto....

Not to be outdone, the current prime minister, Taro Aso, has also presented his party's manifesto to the nation.....

A senior member of the DP, Ichiro Ozawa, has also been campaigning across the country, keeping his mouth firmly shut, despite hordes of journalists urging him to say something....

Journalists waited a full 30 minutes before giving up and going home.

So here's a list of the main contenders:

TARO ASO
Liberal Democratic Party

The current prime minister of Japan and likely to be so for some time to come.

YUKIO HATOYAMA
Democratic Party

His gramps was Japan's prime minister in the 1950s.

BILL CLINTON
The Bill Clinton Party

Bill still has a lot to give.

THE SQUIRREL
Squirrel Democratic Party

A fan of nuts and cameras, this squirrel isn't shy and knows how to work the media.

Who would you like to see win the general election at the end of this month?
(poll closes on election day)

Who would you like to be Japan's next prime minister?(answers)

signs of the time

2009-08-09T23:15:00.007+09:00

Outside Chion-in in Kyoto.
I think I know what they mean....

Just wondering what "cai" means.....

I guess you might feel warm and cosy in this bar....

When it comes to shop names, you can't beat something short and snappy to get the attention of customers....

"I'll be back later - just popping over to Love Boat Save the Girls Girls Save the World Love Boat."

I'm also a fan of beautiful proportion.

A cafe that quite possibly sells good earthy food. Or contaminated.

Hopefully this will put an end to all those trigger-happy temple-goers shooting about the place.

Kyoto: hunt geishas not guns (but don't harm them) (the geishas, that is).

OK it's not a sign, but it would be if it was.

This jacket somehow looks familiar.....

pants in space

2009-08-01T17:15:00.000+09:00

I know, I know. "Pants in space? So what? All astronauts wear pants in space."

Yes, but the latest space shuttle voyage was different, for one of the crew wore the same pair for a whole month. Yes, you heard me right: one pair - one month.

Call me a stickler for hygiene, but that sounded like a loooong time to have the same piece of cloth wrapped around a part of the body which, following even the most rigorous of bathing rituals, tends to stay fragrant for about as long as it takes Usain Bolt to run the 100 metres......until I heard that these were no ordinary underpants.

Scientists based in Tokyo were trumpeting these prototype pants as being:

water-absorbent
bacteria-killing
anti-static
flame-resistant

and most importantly of all,

odour-eating

It's not clear whether Japanese astronaut Koichi Wakata volunteered for the experiment, or whether his wife put him forward for it.

Either way, Koichi agreed and evidently wasn't put off by the thought of scientists poking around his smalls with tweezers and scalpels upon his return from space.

I was impressed by Koichi's courage to undertake the challenge in the name of science. He's obviously a brave man, though of course he had the security of knowing that these pants were special, designed specifically to be worn for long periods of time; designed not to accumulate hideous odours; designed to absorb nuisance dribbles; designed not to catch fire the day after a kimchi dinner. But then again, it was an experiment - there were no guarantees.

To see what can happen to regular pants when worn for a month, I decided to conduct an experiment of my own. Some people advised me against it. Others said I might end up in hospital. One friend suggested I write my will.

But I was determined.

The first few days went without a hitch. The smell wasn't particularly unpleasant, and psychologically I was holding up well. But after a week, things started turning nasty, and after four weeks, well, you don't want to know.

But I can tell you something - in a month they went from this....

to this....

Regular underpants after not being changed for a month.

I immediately went onto my balcony in my stinking pants, raised my hands to the heavens and shouted loudly, wishing Koichi all the luck in the world and space and far beyond as he sailed above me in his spaceship.

Yesterday Koichi, his pants and the rest of the crew returned safely to Earth, though as they came in to land at the Kennedy Space Center in Florida, there was a tense moment in the cockpit....

Snipers followed Koichi's every move after landing, in case the pants tried to make a run for it.

The snipers had stated unequivocally that, if necessary, they were ready and willing to take the pants out. There's obviously no room for sentimentality when it comes to rancid underpants.

The welcoming party at the Kennedy Space Center was suitably attired for Koichi's homecoming....

The latest reports out of the Space Center are that on first inspection the pants were in good shape, despite them having to be surgically removed.

Whether the experiment is deemed a success or not, there was no doubting the sheer profundity of the incredible moment the other night when Koichi took the first ever space walk for special pants, witnessed live on TV by millions around the world.

It'll be one of those moments in life where you'll never forget what you were doing when it happened (I was watching Koichi do a space walk on TV).

Koichi steps bravely from the shuttle into the great abyss, with his pants on.

Underpants will surely never be the same again.

bring on the sweat

2009-07-26T18:29:00.005+09:00

It's here......

....summer.

The humidity is just starting to kick in.....

....which means air conditioners starting up.....

A building weighed down with air conditioners.

....towels being plonked on heads....

....or simply slung over the whole body....

Little Red Riding Hood floored by the Japanese summer.

....and ginger drying on the bonnets of cars.....

While some people may be wanting a bit more of this.....

...it's best to just accept that you'll be getting a lot more of this....

Sun - not water.

....though you'll probably also see a bit of this...

I'm talking about the kimonos, not the train guy doing a John Travolta.

But when all's said and done, even the casual summer sandal will no doubt be outnumbered by the sweaty shoe of the sleeping salaryman.

tripping the light fantastic

2009-07-19T19:14:00.017+09:00

For the people of Amami Oshima, a small island off Kyushu, it's a phenomenal phenomenon that only comes around once in a blue moon.

That's right - a music festival is coming to town!

This week the island's population will swell to beyond what its infrastructure can comfortably handle as visitors pour in from all over the world for a one-off jive taking place on Wednesday.

Island residents (average age 87) will join the hoards of tranced-up techno ravers as they hip-hop, line dance and conga the night away, popping a variety of pills as they go - though they'll probably be more for bad backs and chest complaints than for reaching a plateau of euphoria.

By chance, on the same day, the moon will saunter over in front of the sun for a few minutes, making it all go a bit dark.

Special glasses should be worn when this happens, in order to bring a sense of fun to the occasion....

Specs which create a sense of fun.

The eclipse, like the festival, doesn't happen every day, and so everyone is hoping for clear skies.

An eclipse under cloudy skies is often somewhat disappointing, and can end up looking a lot like this....

According to the Japan Meteorological Agency, cloudy skies happen more often than eclipses.

....when actually everyone is hoping to see the pretty diamond ring effect....

If the light falls at the right angle and the clouds don't get in the way, the eclipse can look like a diamond ring.

the park mall

2009-07-12T18:00:00.000+09:00

When the rising sun gets up and running each morning and the neon lights are switched off, Osaka can lose quite a bit of its colour. About 98% of it, to be exact.

Sure, the city is famed for its various shades of grey, but if you lift up the enormous great paving slab and take a peek under it, you'll find all manner of little things scurrying about. And some parks, too.

The most interesting of these green areas is Namba Parks.

And it's not only a park. It's a shopping mall as well (of course). I mean, why have a park that's just a park when you can incorporate a shopping mall?

It's a park/mall with pink signs....

....as well as pink park keepers

You can eat among leaves....

And shop among shops....

You can even sit and while away the hours watching Namba Parks exist....

Namba Parks - it's mostly park....

slightly surprising

2009-07-08T17:56:00.004+09:00

So happy.

Cola Shock has less to do with volts and more to do with an idea of pure genius.

I was getting kind of tired of vodka and coke all the time. So imagine my glee when I heard the news that today saw the introduction of a new twist on an old idea - Cola Shock - it's coke and vodka!

It tastes a lot better this way around.

Cola Shock - it's 5% booze

extreme masks

2009-07-05T22:45:00.011+09:00

Just as people like to cover their books so no one knows what they're reading, they also like to cover their faces so they can't be read (their face, that is).

Contrary to popular belief, the ubiquitous white mask is more about preserving anonymity than preventing hay fever or the spread of a contagious disease.

The problem with a mask is that it shows too much of the face. As a result, late last year, the extreme mask started to make an appearance on the train carriages of Osaka.

The extreme mask took the mask concept one step further, but a step, it has to be said, which was possibly a step too far, or even a step in the wrong direction.

The extreme mask - good for preserving anonymity but not so good for seeing where you're going.

With people walking into walls and off platforms, the extreme mask soon lost its appeal. Other methods for preserving anonymity were needed.

After months of trying out various ideas, commuters seem to have finally found an original solution - large musical instruments. They cover the whole body but still allow the user to see where they're going. Below is a woman protecting her anonymity with a cello....

An anonymous woman.

An anonymous woman sitting next to someone who is not quite as anonymous as her.

Various instruments have been experimented with. Drum kits have been seen on the Takarazuka line, though they're not so popular as they take time to set up and dismantle, and on the Kyoto line last week a baby grand piano was seen hiding the faces of a family of four on their way to a baseball game.

sawn-off marriages

2009-06-28T22:32:00.017+09:00

According to a recent report in a UK newspaper, shotgun weddings are becoming more common in Japan.

A shotgun wedding is not when the woman suddenly produces a firearm from a holdall and forces her boyfriend, at gunpoint, to marry him. No, a shotgun wedding is when the prophylactic fails, the woman becomes pregnant and the couple agree to live happily ever after in eternal wedded bliss.

Many couples in Japan opt for a Western-style wedding. This means dressing up in a white dress (the woman, that is) and wearing lots of make-up (the man).

It also involves going to a church. Most large hotel chains in Japan build their hotels around century-old churches, like this one in Osaka....

A hotel built around a church.

This gives the hotel chain a chance to go into business with the church and make some serious spondoolicks.

On the big day, the happy couple is met in the church by a seriously religious and devout vicar-priest.

Like this one....

A man of the ~~classroom~~ cloth.

The vicar-priest might do three or four services a day, though not always with pregnant women.

Once married, the couple will live happily ever after forever and ever and a bit more.

a beer garden?

2009-06-20T08:30:00.000+09:00

With the warmer weather approaching, so comes with it humidity, long white gloves, and sweat.

Though long white gloves are no longer for me, the sweat still pours and there seems little one can do about it besides sit indoors with the air-con on full.

It's at this time of year that department stores across the country open their rooftops, get lots of cheap food out and supply beer on tap. Say hello to the beer garden.

Beer gardens are usually open from late June to early September. Cost will be around 3,000yen, which gives you unlimited food and beer. Some places impose a two hour time limit, whereas others have no time limit at all which theoretically means you could drink from late June to early September.

Some people are puzzled about why it's called a beer garden, when it's evidently more beer than garden. I guess it's because it sounds nice. Like saying motion discomfort bag instead of puke packet.

But wait a minute - look!

Here's a beer garden that's more garden than beer. How refreshing.....

a beer GARDEN.

OK strictly speaking, I guess it's a happoshu garden, but that doesn't sound quite as good.

Click here for a little bit of information about beer gardens in Osaka and Kyoto - beer gardens, not beer gardens, that is.

english for drug trials

2009-06-14T11:55:00.000+09:00

In a Japanese language magazine available in London, there are several ads from medical companies giving Japanese males the exciting opportunity of taking part in clinical drug trials.

Payment varies according to the length of the trial. You could get as much as £3,570 (about 590,000yen).

Besides financial reward, one company also offers free English lessons during the medical trials....

This is a wise idea, as if the trial all goes to shit, like it did for these poor guys a few years back, then certain English phrases would definitely come in very useful. How about these for starters...

Useful English phrases for non-native speakers considering embarking on a clinical drug trial:

"Excuse me but I'm finding it difficult to breathe just now"

"My skin appears to be melting"

"Could you possibly take me to the operating theatre and pump my stomach forthwith"

"Can you smell burning?

"When I signed the form, you never mentioned that my eyeballs would double in size"

"Although you're paying me a lot of money for this, it's looking like I won't ever get to spend it"

John Hurt: genetic disorder or clinical drug trial volunteer?

insect interest

2009-06-07T19:14:00.062+09:00

Insects are big in Japan. They're also big. Here, for example, is one I found outside my front door just the other day....

An insect as large as a convenience store.

They're also big business. Rather like people in some countries breed dogs or horses, in Japan they also breed beetles.

Furthermore, exhibitions are held to scare the living daylights out of the nation's youngsters....

An insect lit in a special way in order to cause nightmares.

On the whole, kids go ga-ga over the little critters and enjoy nothing more than picking them up, looking at them, and putting them back down again.

A recent exhibition in Osaka had inflatable insects on sale....

....providing hours of fun and fascination....

A child being fascinated as a large insect lunges at her mother.

The real thing is, of course, also available....

Insects in tanks waiting for a new home.

The exhibition also had a range of paintings and drawings on display, showing a day in the life of a critter....

A day in the life of a critter: Get up. Eat breakfast. Read newspaper. Clean tank. Startle someone. Laugh. Go to bed.

Throughout the exhibition there were plenty of insects giving various demonstrations. Here, a beetle demonstrates the art of sitting on a tree stump.

After complaints from insects about being pointed at and stared at all the time, some interactive areas were created so that they could get up-close-and-personal with visitors....

Insects can get a bit funny about being looked at all the time. They much prefer a bit of touchy-feely.

Butterflies from other countries also featured, albeit dead and pinned to a wooden board....

Looking at this one, I was kind of glad it was dead and pinned to a board....

A creature with a pointy bit so pointy that if administered, a trip to accident and emergency would be highly likely.

A child pointing at some pointy bits....

More pin-ups....

Perhaps best of all, on display was Japan's most famous insect, the recently deceased controversial former athlete Shin Fukumoto. He took the gold in the men's 100m at the 1984 LA Olympics but was later disqualified after judges noticed that he had many more legs than the other runners.

Shin claimed he had only used two of his legs in the race, though slow motion footage showed he had used all of them, thereby giving him an unfair advantage over the other runners.

bottle befuddlement

2009-05-31T19:43:00.003+09:00

It's a common sight in Japan - water-filled plastic bottles in gardens, placed around plants. Apparently they deter cats from sitting on plants. Yes, sitting. And shitting on them, too.

Truth be told, I've never seen a cat hassling a plant - bottles or no bottles. But then maybe that's because I can't see any plants - because they're obscured by the bottles.

There could be a cat hiding behind these bottles.

Actually, take a walk in the 'hood and you'll likely see plenty of healthy-looking blooming flowers without bottles....

Flourishing flowers and not a bottle in sight.

However, sometimes it's not clear what the bottles are actually trying to protect....or just why they're there at all.....

An arrangement of bottles - but why?

Less of an arrangement, more of a scattering....

Whoever lives here must really despise cats.

Bottles of water protecting mud and weeds from cats. Maybe.

great japanese inventions (3)

2009-05-24T09:30:00.000+09:00

....that may or may not have been invented in Japan

The Yellow Ribbed Pathway Guidance System for the Optically Challenged

For ants it's like climbing Mount Fuji every time they want to go somewhere, but for the optically challenged, it's the difference between a pleasant stroll on a peaceful Sunday morning and going under the wheels of a bus.

The Japanese have it sussed when it comes to guiding the blind. In the UK they have dogs to do the job. But in Japan most dogs look like this and so probably wouldn't be very good at guiding people....

"Where would you like to go?"

....so they took the canine out of the equation and invented the Yellow Ribbed Path Guidance System. But it's not all ribbing. There are nipples too. It's like Braille for feet.

The ribbed parts mean you can go straight ahead comfortable in the knowledge that a large truck will not be coming in the opposite direction.

When you come to the nipples, however, it's time to show some caution. If the nipples could talk, they would likely say: "You are about to walk onto a highway with cars, buses and lorries going in all manner of directions. Proceed with caution."

Basically, the nipples mean it's time to say a prayer.

But the Yellow Ribbed Pathway Guidance System doesn't always go to plan....

An optically challenged person is certain to have a right old time if they come across this little arrangement of a morn....

This is asking for trouble.

A close-up of a nipple....

Nipples save lives.

fast fuji fotos

2009-05-16T17:30:00.001+09:00

It's in the rules.

If you're on a bullet train travelling to or from Tokyo, you have to get a photo of Fuji-san as you hurtle past it.

But getting a good photo is the tricky part.

There are a number of obstacles to getting a good picture. There are no obstacles to getting a crap one, apart from all the obstacles that get in the way.

Being on a high speed train means that you either have to use a shutter speed faster than the speed of the train, or you have to run through the carriage very quickly in the opposite direction to which the train is going, in order to lessen the effect of the speed of the train as you take the shot.

This is what happens when you don't run through the carriage.
Score: 2/10

If this photo is later cropped, the emissions from the factory chimneys could be passed off as fluffy cotton-wool cloud.

There's no way that these emissions could be passed off as cotton-wool cloud.
Score: 1/10

Pylons often get in the way......

Pylon problems
Score: 3/10

And it's not just pylons. Sometimes poles can appear out of nowhere too....

A pole in front of Fuji-san.
Score: 2/10

Here, Fuji-san's looking good but the chimney in front of it somewhat detracts from its beauty.

Serious photoshopping required.
Score: 2/10

If they hadn't built a highway there, this would be an outstanding photograph.

An almost stunning photo.
Score: 0/10

The best thing to do is to frame the shot within something; create a natural border to draw the eye in.....

Fuji-san naturally bordered by industry.
Score: 1/10

the bar codes

2009-05-10T22:00:00.000+09:00

Dictionary definition:
a code consisting of a group of printed and variously patterned bars and spaces and sometimes numerals that is designed to be scanned and read into computer memory and that contains information (as identification) about the object it labels

Another definition:
a hairstyle consisting of a group of variously patterned hairs and spaces that is not designed to be scanned yet contains information about the object on which it is placed

In Osaka, the bar code hairstyle is not only popular, it is also some people's pride and joy.

Rather than shave it all off, many people choose to hang on to those stringy strands, grow them long, and throw 'em over.

Value: 850 yen

Value: Only 120 yen. Bargain!

If you have too much hair but want to join the bar code fraternity, you can even buy your own bar code....

A man happily sporting his very own fake bar code.

A classic TV ad from the early 80s featuring a British bar code man....

Running time: 60 seconds

the missing letter

2009-05-03T11:40:00.000+09:00

Ever heard of Graham Rawle's Lost Consonants?

They're collages based around a sentence from which one letter has been removed, creating an entirely new meaning.

Here's a few I made up....

The last one could have been a lot lewder but I decided to stick with a chicken.

If you get it and want to see how it's really done, take a look here.

great japanese inventions (2)

2009-04-26T13:52:00.002+09:00

.....that may or may not have been invented in Japan.

The Heat Pad Thingy

WARNING: DO NOT EAT

The heat pad thingy, known in Japan as kairo, which roughly translates as "the heat pad thingy", is a pad of heat which heats up - rather like a hot thingy.

It's popular with people who want to warm up in winter, as well as those who wish to harm themselves.

It works rather like magic. Simply shake it, stick it on your body, and within minutes it will be generating enough heat to warm your nether regions, as well as any other regions that need warming.

A heat pad thingy.

Affixing directly to the skin is not advised. People who have done this and then fallen asleep have been known to catch fire, thereby becoming a little warmer than they had originally intended.

Don't don't don't don't - there should always be fabric between the skin and the heat pad thingy in order not to sizzle.

Many people have wondered how the heat pad thingy actually works. Well, if you open one up, it's not hard to see.....

Inside a heat pad thingy - lots of matches and small bits of coal to keep you toasty.

So let's hear it for the heat pad thingy. Wonderful in winter. Pointless in summer. The heat pad thingy guarantees you'll never freeze your nuts off again (for god's sake don't stick one there).

zoned out

2009-04-19T15:04:00.000+09:00

In Japan, buildings go up really quickly, and often there appears to be a severe lack of zoning, with houses and factories sitting happily alongside each other in blissful disharmony.

It's not uncommon for someone to purchase a property next to a lovely looking rice field on a Thursday afternoon, only to find that it's been transformed into an electricity sub-station come Friday morning.

Not bad if you like volts, but pretty disappointing if you prefer rice.

"I remember when all this were rice fields...."

Some houses even have an electricity pylon built directly through the roof, with its base in the floor of the living room. As you can well imagine, this sometimes makes watching television problematic, as parts of the pylon are likely to get in the way of the screen.

A lightning strike would be an unwelcome event for the residents of this household. They have enough electricity to deal with as it is.

The humming heard around here is not that of a hummingbird.

A house with millions of volts next to it.

dog poo signs

2009-04-12T11:38:00.000+09:00

Dog do-do in Japan is rarely seen, apart from when it's actually coming out of the dog's bottom - if you happen to be glancing that way when it happens.

Owners are usually pretty good at picking up the do-do, and by that I don't mean they do it with grace or finesse, though often they do; I mean, more often than not, they do pick up the do-do.

This is good news all round, for it means pedestrians don't have to worry about doing what Paul Simon once wrote a song about - Slip Slidin' Away.

What you do notice in Japan is the large number of do-do signs that gently warn, cajole, encourage and persuade owners to get the trowel out and start scooping and scraping. And by golly they do it with gusto.

Once I saw an elderly lady actually wiping her dog's bottom (with toilet tissue) after he'd done his business. I know Japan is famous the world over for its outstanding service, but that seemed to be taking things a little bit far.

Here is a selection of do-do signs:

Colourful. And the message is clear.

This sign seems to be covered in do-do.

It's not a sign. It's just a lazy dog that appears to have plopped out a little cartoon character.

"Do not do do-do here."

Cor blimey, that do-do is almost half the size of the dog!

A dog that looks like a small hippo.

The best dogs are the ones that clear it up by themselves....

And just to add an international dimension to proceedings, here's a sign from the UK. Less cartoony, a threat of legal action and the man appears to be using a plunger to get it off the ground....

British dogs - a far more stubborn kind of do-do.

ghostly gate festival

2009-04-05T11:45:00.000+09:00

Festival Gate is an amusement park in Osaka. But there's no festival and no one has been amused there for years because it went bankrupt some time ago.

Festival Gate's recently defunct official website compared the amusement park to the lost underwater city of Atlantis. Though I did have a sinking feeling while I was there, and also felt a wave of disillusionment wash over me, I can honestly say that a similarity to an underwater city never once crossed my mind.

The amusement park is yet to be bulldozed for a car park or pachinko parlour, so it's still possible to stroll around the place if you feel like a quiet afternoon....

Many people once came here (on opening day).

As well as fairground rides, there were also shops....

A statue of a lady with wings and breasts but no legs looks over the park and wonders where everyone's gone....

By the looks of it, it must be pretty cold up there.

Ghostly images of dancers from days gone by decorate the shut shutters which are now always shut.

The silent roller coaster of Festival Gate....

On a brighter note, adjacent to Festival Gate is an establishment which is still open - Spa World. You can go here to calm down after your stroll about the amusement park. Spa World sports many spas from around the world and is open 24 hours a day - just like the world!

Photos of the spas on a sign outside Spa World.

How about a hose down in Bali Spa Heavenly?

great japanese inventions (1)

2009-03-28T19:11:00.035+09:00

.....that may or may not have been invented in Japan.

The Vending Machine

The vending machine can be found on every street corner throughout the country. They sell everything from memories of the Edo period to wigs with anger management issues. But perhaps most surprisingly of all, you can buy chilled drinks in cans too.

For people walking down the street while shaving, vending machines with batteries are a lifesaver, for as you can imagine, arriving at work with only half a beard could well cause loss of face, even though you can still see half of it.

A vending machine selling batteries for people who shave while walking.

300 yen for two big ones, suitable for giant shavers.

Occasionally machines are painted bright colours to ensure that you'll feel compelled to put money into it should you pass it by of a morning or possibly at another time of day....

A very pink vending machine.

Many machines gather in small groups and sell booze together under an awning....

.....while others display breasts in an effort to gain attention, even though the machine isn't actually selling breasts....

Someone putting money into this machine hoping for breasts in return will be disappointed.

With so many vending machines around the country vying for business, the ones that can't cut it fall by the wayside....

....and are left to rot....

A knackered vending machine.

Competition is fierce and unrelenting, and as a result some companies use grammatically correcting English with excelent speling to get the attention of passers-by....

Some prices are postively crushed all the way down to almost nothing....

The vending machine. Open for business - always (apart from the ones selling alcohol, which shut down in the evening).

mister TV set to retire

2009-03-21T20:34:00.002+09:00

Whether it's Mina Munta, Mona Manta or even Mino Monta, the fact is that Japan's top TV presenter, Mino Monta, is very soon to retire.

It's been a remarkable career for the Mino, who in 2008 broke the world record for the most hours of live TV coverage in a single week. And who previously held the record? Why, Mister Mino Monta of course!

Last year, the Guinness World Records' head honcho popped over to Japan to present Mino with a certificate, and to welcome him to the wonderful world of record holders.

Mino presents a whopping 70 shows a week, from breakfast to lunch, afternoon to evening and then through the night. This remarkable man sleeps only between shows, for about fifteen minutes at a time.

And here's an excerpt from a typical TV schedule....

Mino also hosts the twice-a-day-show Who Wants to be a Millionaire, even though a million yen isn't worth that much at all.

The Japanese version is very similar to the British original, with the chance to phone a friend or ask the audience. The main difference is that every single question in the show is about the presenter himself....

It'll be sad day when, come April, Mino's familiar face will no longer be seen on television screens here.

His colleagues at all of the TV stations where he works (which means all of the TV stations) have kindly got him a little retirement gift....

....just so that he can keep up appearances.

ropey soap

2009-03-14T12:42:00.005+09:00

With unemployment steadily growing in popularity, more and more people are succumbing to the sordid pleasures of daytime television. For many, it's like a Class A drug - you know it's going to screw you up, but you just can't stop turning to it when you're feeling down.

With this being Japan an' all, there are, not surprisingly, a lot of Japanese actors on TV shows here.

It's pretty rare to see a Western face. Even rarer to hear him speaking English. Even rarer to have him speaking English without subtitles. Even rarer to have him play an American with a British accent. Even rarer to have him playing the father of a woman who is, in real life, older than he is. All in all, the whole thing was like a steak on a plate oozing with oodles of the red stuff. No not bloody. Just very very rare.

The key scene in a recent edition of one particular show had a father meeting his daughter for the first time in many years.

The father enters the restaurant. The daughter waits patiently while looking at a photo of herself as a young child.

The father spots her and politely introduces himself....

Despite speaking, the actress refuses to acknowledge the actor, suggesting perhaps some kind of recent altercation during rehearsals.

The daughter eventually stands and greets her father. Even though it's not in the script, the actor decides to move in. This screenshot was taken precisely five seconds before their awkward embrace.

The actor prepares his hands for a bit of a feel.

Judging by her reaction (see video at the end of this post), he certainly held onto something very tightly.

A gripping moment during the tense scene.

The actor stops speaking and holds the embrace. There's a long silence. No one moves for quite a while.

Three minutes later and they're still entwined. The father must have really missed her.

The actress has a flashback to rehearsals.

After being prized apart by a concerned waiter, the daughter shows her father the photograph.

The daughter is the little one on the bottom right hand corner and the father is the guy in the hat.

His reaction to the photo displays a subtle tenderness mixed with a fair amount of psychotic laughter....

The father reacts ominously to the photo taken ~~the previous day~~ 30 years before.

Seeing an opportunity, the actor takes his chance and moves in for another hug....

This, the second hug in a series of seven, is by far the most assertive.

Not surprisingly, it all ends in tears. Take a look at this short clip to witness some choice acting....

Running time: Two minutes

stump lickin' good!

2009-03-11T22:20:00.019+09:00

STOP PRESS

It's not the Titanic; it's not even the Mary Rose. And it's certainly not the Great Barrier Reef. But like all of these, it's been under water for a bloody long time.

Covered in excrement and bereft of hands, a statue of Colonel Sanders - the KFC guy - was yesterday pulled from the muddy murky waters of the Dotonbori Canal in central Osaka, 24 years after being dumped in there by a disgruntled diner.

Colonel Sanders (on the left).

The Curse of Colonel Sanders has, in the intervening years, caused thousands of greasy-fingered diners to leg it wide-eyed to the toilet before their digestive tract has had a chance to say "Where's the dunny?"

It's hoped that with the re-emergence of the Colonel, the curse will finally be lifted, allowing diners to once again refrain from carrying extra packs of tissues in their handbags.

Once the knackered statue has been hosed down and disinfected, it will likely be placed back in the kitchen next to where they keep the raw meat for the chicken burgers.

Judging by their issues in the limb department, I bet the ol' Colonel and the Venus de Milo could have a right good time together....

Colonel Sanders and the Venus de Milo - a match made in heaven?

12,000 yen ideas....

2009-03-07T13:49:00.002+09:00

The recession will soon be over.

Prime Minister Aso is to give everyone in Japan 12,000 yen to spend. It's intended to kick-start the economy, but is more likely to kick-start the nothing.

The total handout amounts to some 2 trillion yen, which is a number with a lot of zeros on the end.

Here's a guide to what your 12,000 yen (about GB£85 / US$120) can buy you......

40 Hello Kitty face masks, so that you don't have to smell the rot

One lifebelt - ideal for sinking economies

The zip of a Louis Vuitton bag

70 cans of Snow White beer - to drown your economic sorrows

A thigh pillow to snuggle up to while you dream about full employment for the world

A manly arm for the ladies so that you can feel nice and secure in these troubled times

One pair of inflatable breasts........does there need to be a reason for everything?

Four piggy banks because, let's face it, that's where the handout is going to end up for most people

Six copies of this feel-good book to help you make the most of other people's misfortunes

And five copies of this feel-crap book just in case things get really bad

So what will you buy with your 12,000 yen?

the sixth beatle

2009-02-28T20:00:00.011+09:00

Half of the Beatles may way well be six foot under, but in Japan they're five feet over (just).

In a little corner of a little bar in a little back street in little Osaka, you can see what all the fuss was about back in the 60s as the fans go mop-top crazy over the Japanese Beatles - or Bricks, as they're called. It's not such a good name, but it's probably what they were shitting the day they first took to the stage in Osaka in front of tens of fans.

So may I introduce to you,
The act you haven't known for all these years,
Sergeant Bricks Lonely Hearts Club Band!

John Lennonomoto

Paul McCartanabe

George Harrisonoda

and the drummer bloke, Ringo Staradakara

See The Bricks giving it their all in this 30 second video..........

And anyone who knows anything about The Beatles will have their own opinion about the identity of the so-called fifth Beatle. Stu Sutcliffe, Pete Best, Simon Groom....whatever.

What we do know for sure is the identity of the sixth Beatle. Because I saw him. And here he is, playing She Loves You....

The sixth, and possibly seventh, Beatles.

Running time: 30 seconds

the medicine man

2009-02-21T11:30:00.021+09:00

Well it's been quite a week in the world of Japanese politics. Two major events took place.

The first centred around the country's (former) finance minister, Shoichi Nakagawa. He was in Rome at a G7 summit trying to help sort out the world economic crisis.

At a press conference held last weekend, Nakagawa appeared to be half asleep and slurred his way through a number of answers.

He denied having had any alcohol prior to the press conference.

He put his bizarre performance down to the 'medicine' he'd taken for his heavy cold. And I suppose he bought it from a 'pharmacy' just like this one.....

Wright's Liquors, for all your medicinal requirements.

The press conference had started promisingly. I mean, he was awake....

But when it came to answer the first question, it was obvious all was not well....

Then suddenly there was a glimmer of hope. It looked promising. A word was uttered.

Reporters sat up in their seats. Some leaned forward a little, eager to learn about how the man in charge of the world's second largest economy was going to deal with the global turmoil affecting tens of millions of jobs......

......but seconds later......

And then came the big yawn....

....before finally he settled down for the night.....

Nakagawa considers the next step in dealing with the economic crisis.

You can watch a bit of it here:

Nakagawa's Guide to Getting Better

Ailment: Cold.
Dosage: Two glasses of Baileys, twice a day.
Take first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

Ailment: Sore throat.
Dosage: Half a bottle of Malibu, three times a day.
Take before breakfast, during breakfast and after breakfast.

Ailment: Headache.
Dosage: One bottle of vodka, once an hour.
Take on the hour every hour.

Ailment: Unemployment.
Dosage: Whisky.
Just drink till the pain goes away.
Refill: Frequently.

Oh, and Bill's wife was in town, too.

hairy signs

2009-02-15T18:00:00.007+09:00

Japan has more salons and barbers and hairdressers and cutters of hair than just about any other country in the universe. Including Mars.

They're everywhere - on street corners, as well as the places between the street corners, and on both sides of the street too.

And when I saw Koizumi on telly the other day, I realised that he needs to get down to one of these hair places as soon as possible. He's really let himself go recently.

Koizumi's hair may soon be taken to a barber's.

Because there are so many of these places, they've run out of obvious names, which can make a walk along a shopping street much more interesting than it otherwise might be.

This is Japan's first ever barber's. As it was first in the door, it could choose a simple name. So it did....

A place not suitable for women's hair.

In the early days, people's names were a popular source of inspiration for naming salons. Just think, this place could so easily have been called Steve or even Pete....

I suppose it's possible that there's a Phil-san working here that does your barnet.

It's hard to tell whether this place is having a laugh or simply issuing an honest and straightforward warning to potential customers....

....in which case, this place is far more reassuring....

It's good to know that it won't be too badly wrecked if you go here.

If you're the kind of person who looks down on the cheaper salons, perhaps this place will be more to your liking....

This place looks after not just one but all!

More recently established salons have realised that all words for shop names have now been used up and so have taken to inventing their own....

And finally, the scariest name of all. I mean, would you dare enter this establishment for a quick short back and sides?

The pie shop on the first floor was doing brisk business when I passed by.

the lovely hotels

2009-02-08T11:52:00.025+09:00

Valentine's Day is fast approaching, which means aptly named chocolate will be sold by the ton in the coming days. It also means that the nation's love hotels can expect their busiest weekend, with couples - married, not-yet-married, and adulterous - making their way to these popular establishments.

A love hotel is, as the name suggests, a place where people go to be lovely to each other. This may involve serving your partner a cup of tea with a slice of cake, or perhaps giving a compliment such as: "That's a really nice shirt you're wearing."

A really nice shirt.

Because Japan is generally not an openly compliment-giving society, the love hotel is used as a place for discreet mutual exchanges of such behaviour.

Many Japanese houses are small with paper walls, so an overheard compliment could be cause for embarrassment. Fortunately, in a love hotel, couples can talk as loudly as they like, without fear of others overhearing them as they give praise. As the well-known Japanese proverb goes: "In a love hotel, a loud compliment is a nail that can stick out happily for a change."

Love hotels are usually equipped with various appliances to enhance lovely behaviour between couples. For example, many rooms can be found with vacuum cleaners - a perfect opportunity for a man to exhibit loveliness, as in: "You take a rest, dear. I'll clean the room."

A room being lovingly cleaned.

Some love hotels even have large mirrors in the rooms, enabling the man to watch himself as he indulges in a spot of light dusting, while his partner compliments him on his style, for example: "You really know how to dust, don't you."

The woman will also want to please the man. She sometimes does this by cleaning the bathroom, which the man can actually watch from the comfort of his bed, as some hotels have not a wall but a window between the two rooms. It's these unique touches in the design of the rooms that make love hotels so popular.

And should you be planning on spending some time in one of these places, don't forget to take a box of tissues with you. With all of that compliment giving, things can get quite emotional. So there'll be plenty to mop up.

can you guess what it is?

2009-02-01T11:31:00.025+09:00

OK. Here's a photo quiz.

Can you guess what this is a photo of....

Got it?

No, it's not a black hole...

A close-up of a wood knot? Guess again!

Vasil Levski National Stadium in the dark? Wow, nice try, but wrong again!

OK, I'll tell you.

It's actually a dog's arsehole. Or more accurately, one that's been sculpted - very carefully by the looks of it....

There are a lot of great statues dotted around Japan, but I'm pretty sure this isn't one of them.

I mean, is it so important to have that part of the anatomy shown in such detail? The sculptor evidently spent more time on the hole of the dog than on the whole of the rest of the dog. Whatever was he thinking?

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for a bit of realism, but does it have to be so, how can I say, prominent? I think we need a poll to sort this one out....

Did the sculptor of this statue spend too much time on the dog's exit aperture? ( polls)

sky building lovers

2009-01-25T22:00:00.012+09:00

In Osaka, the Sky Building stands out more than any other building, mainly because it's BLOODY MASSIVE.

People living in the city are divided on the construction - some call it "an exciting and modern take on Paris's Arc de Triomphe". Others, however, prefer to call it "a block of scrote", which doesn't sound very nice at all.

The bloody massive Sky Building.

If never-to-be-king Prince Charles ever visited Osaka, he might well liken the Sky Building to "a monstrous carbuncle on the face of a much-loved geisha."

As with any big building, escalators are a popular and efficient method of transport, moving people about without them having to expend any energy...

At the top of the building you can walk around outside. But be careful not to do anything out of the ordinary as there is a small security man also on the roof, keeping an eye on things...

A curious fixture on the top of the Sky Building is the Lumi Deck. According to the information given, it seems to be a place for lovers to sit, like at a bus stop....

Seats for lovers of uncomfortable looking seating.

If you're interested in securing your heart lock at the fence of vows, then consider a visit to the top of Osaka's Sky Building.

bald kyoto

2009-01-17T13:19:00.010+09:00

Japan's ancient capital, Kyoto, attracts visitors from all over the world. They come for its temples, shrines, shops, and possibly a bit of karaoke too.

Most people enter the city via its ultra-modern train station, completed in 1997. The 15-storey construction houses trains, tracks, ticket offices, and a large shopping mall.

Just across from the station you'll see Kyoto Tower. Opened in 1964, two years before England won the World Cup, the tower gives visitors a view over the ancient capital from its 100-meter-high observation deck.

When the idea for the tower was first proposed, many protested as they believed its modern look to be out of place in the historic city. However, since then, many more modern buildings have been built throughout Kyoto, so no one complains about it anymore.

Kyoto Tower

Many tourists head first for Kiyomizu-dera, Kyoto's most famous temple. On the approach to Kiyomizu-dera, you'll pass Jishu Shrine.

Jishu Shrine contains a pair of love stones, placed 18 metres apart. Legend has it that if you can walk from one stone to the other with your eyes closed, you will one day find true love. However, if you miss the other stone and end up falling down the many steps leading down from the shrine, legend has it that you will be admitted to the nearest accident and emergency ward.

The advice given to those who want to attempt the walk is: "ask a good friend to keep an eye on you".

Jishu Shrine

Kiyomizu-dera is an extraordinary feat of engineering. Not one nail was used in its construction, making it one of Kyoto's few glue-only temples.

The temple provides a pleasant escape from the hustle and bustle of the city centre and is a popular destination for visitors throughout the year.

Kiyomizu-dera

If you're really lucky, you might even see a geisha in the temple grounds!

Just across from Kiyomizu-dera, nestling in the hills which surround the city, you can see the exquisite Koyasu-no-to three-storey pagoda.

Koyasu-no-to Pagoda

But Kyoto isn't all temples and shrines. Though mostly, it is. There's also the gently flowing Kamo River, ideal for a leisurely stroll, or a run if you're in a rush.

The Kamo River

If you suddenly find yourself itching to get your wallet out to help the economy along in these difficult times, head to the centre, where you'll find shops galore willing to take your cash in return for a variety of goods.

"Hankyu very much for shopping with us today"

Back on the temple trail, consider a trip out to Kinkaku-ji, otherwise known as the Golden Pavilion Temple. It was originally built in 1397, 569 years before England won the World Cup, though the current structure dates from 1955.

Kinkaku-ji is set in peaceful gardens in which visitors can admire this beautiful temple from a variety of angles.

Kinkaku-ji

No trip to Kyoto would be complete without a saunter around the famous geisha district of Gion. The quaint little streets in this unique area are lined with traditional tea houses, restaurants and tastefully restored wooden buildings.

Keep your eyes peeled and you'll most likely catch sight of a geisha apprentice scurrying from her living quarters to her next geisha lesson....

A geisha apprentice legging it along a Gion street

But to think that Kyoto can only be matched with adjectives such as exquisite, quaint, pretty, ancient, and charming would be a somewhat misguided belief.

Scratch the surface and, like most ancient capitals in the world, you'll soon get a whiff of the city's sordid underbelly. Indeed, even in a place with as much history as this, there are still places where men pay money to meet ladies....

A bit of sordid underbelly.

It's probably best to stay away from the underbelly as it could result in more than just the surface you'll be scratching. Instead, immerse yourself in the city's olden days, which is what it's most famous for.

End your trip with a stop at Ryoan-ji, the historic Zen temple with its stone garden where you can sit and ponder all the wonderfulness of the city that is Kyoto.

Ryoan-ji

japan is the world

2009-01-10T06:00:00.000+09:00

One of the great things about Japan is that you can go everywhere without going anywhere.

Only last week I went around the world in 80 hours.

I started in ~~Okayama~~ London, where I hopped aboard a double-decker.

It even had its own cheeky chappy driver!

Having had enough of being on a bus, I decided to take my chances with a snow-covered slightly maroon black cab in ~~Kanazawa~~ Tooting Bec.

The driver dropped me off in ~~Osaka~~ Liverpool, where I could watch The ~~Bricks~~ Beatles banging out a few numbers in the Cavern Club....

And to my amazement, they were just like the real thing.....almost......

After that I made my way to ~~Tokyo~~ Dublin, where I found this spunky bar....

Then onwards to ~~Spain Village in Mie-ken~~ Spain....

You can even go to Italy ~~which is also in Spain Village. No, really. It is.~~ where you can see the Roman Forum....

Some unexcavatable fake unancient ruins which aren't really ruins at all.

Also in ~~Osaka~~ Rome, you can put your hand into La Bocca della Verità (The Mouth of Truth) if you feel like feeling like Gregory Peck....

If being urinated on is your thing, then head over to ~~Kobe~~ Brussels....

Take an umbrella if you're walking in ~~Kobe~~ Belgium.

You can also go to ~~Shinsaibashi~~ the States. If you do, be sure to check out the ~~plastic thing on top of a department store~~ Statue of Liberty....

image from AirNinja

Or perhaps you might fancy somewhere further afield. In that case, historic ~~Kyoto~~ Easter Island is only a short distance away - the place where you can admire concrete heads....

And finally, end your world jaunt with a few relaxing minutes in ~~Namba~~ Egypt.

the gentle beer

2009-01-03T09:00:00.003+09:00

Strong Seven is for people with hair on their chests and maybe even a bit on their back. It's a cheap drink which tries to taste like beer but isn't actually beer at all. It does, however, get you drunk fairly quickly.

It appears to be the preserve of both hard drinkers and drinkers who are hard. Its alcohol content clocks in at a strong 7 per cent, hence its clever name.

"This hard and clear taste brings you the great feeling"......of being drunk?

The newest beer on the block, however, appears to be targeting a different audience; an audience with possibly no hair at all.

Is former Olympic swimmer Duncan Goodhew a fan of the new drink?

Indeed, it has a name so gentle that one wonders if men will be able to ask for it by name....

Snow White - the latest beer from Suntory.

Snow White is 5% alcohol, and 20% and 100% other things.

Should the beer become a popular import for British drinkers, scenes like this could be played out nightly in pubs up and down the country....

A hard man ordering a pint of Snow White for himself.

a big hairy ox

2008-12-28T22:52:00.007+09:00

As the sun sets on another year, it means that back home in England, on the eve of 2009, there'll be a fair bit of this going on....

British brawlers seeing in the new year in traditional fashion.

....mainly because of the influence of this....

....even the beered-up bears in the Arctic will be at it....

....fortunately, in Japan, alcohol only causes this....

A man not looking for trouble.

At the turn of the year, the main concern in Japan isn't alcohol; it's the traditional soft sticky mochi rice cakes that get stuck in elderly people's throats, causing them to be rushed to hospital looking like this....

Hospitals across the nation are on standby for victims of mochi.

2008 was the Year of the Rat, a creature just like this cute little disease-ridden rodent....

Beware - rats have recently learnt to swim to their destination.

2009 happens to be the Year of the Ox - and if the cuteness of the year's animal gives some indication of how the coming year might turn out, then I'm not holding out much hope for the next 12 months....

2009 could be ugly (and rather hairy too).

koizumi, abe, fukuda xmas dance

2008-12-20T17:12:00.013+09:00

It was always on the cards. I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later.

Three former prime ministers, Koizumi, Abe and Fukuda, have finally come together to perform a Christmas dance for those partial to such a thing.

Merry Christmas.

Running time: 50 seconds
Make your own here.

more babies needed

2008-12-14T19:42:00.002+09:00

There' s such a shortage of babies in Japan that if something isn't done about it soon, by 2150 the entire population will be able to fit on one carriage of a Yamanote line train.

At 1.34, Japan's birthrate is one of the lowest in the world, and as any employer worth their salt knows, .34 of a person is good for nothing, except, perhaps, some light filing duties.

Japan's largest business organisation recently told its members to allow its workers home early so that they can go to ~~the pachinko parlour head office shopping~~ bed. But it seems workers are more interested in doing some overtime than doing their spouse.

A tunnel waiting for something to go in.

Until more babies start being born, places like this will remain empty....

A baby centre without babies.

And parks of fun will remain unused....

A park in need of children - and a lawnmower.

booze poster

2008-12-07T12:02:00.001+09:00

The arrival of December means it's time for the annual forget-the-year parties put on by companies across the nation.

These parties always involve five things:

1. the consumption of vast amounts of booze
2. the downing of large quantities of liquor
3. the guzzling of gallons of grog
4. the quaffing of lots of intoxicants
5. the drinking of alcohol

The train companies understandably get a bit nervous at this time of year, not wanting to have sensible passengers sit on vomit- or urine-soaked seats.

As a result, this poster has been plastered about the nation's carriages in the hope of persuading those the worse for wear to make it home before evacuating the contents of their stomachs, bladders and bowels.

Trouble is, if they’re that wasted, it's highly likely they won’t be able to read the poster.

This is how it looks under various states of inebriation:

Tipsy....

Drunk....

Hammered....

Utterly shitfaced....

There's no way in hell a shitfaced person will be able to read this.

This bloke didn't do it at home. Five minutes after this photo was taken, he did it on the train....

I was hoping to do it on the train too, until someone pointed out the poster to me. So then I decided to do it at home.

But when I got there, I soon realised that my landlord had stolen a march on me, putting up a poster of his own while I was out....

Not being able to do it at home, or on the train, I waddled to my nearest convenient convenience store and did it there instead.

talking out of his aso?

2008-11-30T21:08:00.023+09:00

Japan's prime minister Taro Aso has been at it again, offending various members of the community in his quest to insult everyone in the entire country before he leaves office. He's doing pretty well.

Just recently he managed to cross doctors and parents off the list - on the same day.

Earlier in the year he compared the main opposition party to the Nazis, which one can safely assume put their backs up somewhat.

Last year he decided to look beyond the Japanese populace and offend those with blue eyes and blonde hair instead. Soon after that, Alzheimer's sufferers got a look-in.

The other day he crossed an entire demographic off the list when he criticised old people for being, well, so damn old.

Even vending machines have had the Aso treatment....

Read on for some more legendary Aso-moments....

Then there was the famous "be" incident. Not particularly offensive, but slightly alarming.

He's recently been turning his attention to the animal community...

Though the pair down in Namba took his comments in their stride....

vin de payalot

2008-11-23T11:48:00.015+09:00

On Thursday, vast quantities of pricey Beaujolais Nouveau went on sale in Japan instead of France because marketing is a really great thing sometimes.

Georges "the beef" Duboeuf, the founder of one of France's biggest wine merchants, came to Japan this week to launch the sale of this year's consignment.

46% of all Beaujolais Nouveau is sold in Japan. The other 54% isn't sold. Georges makes the trip to Tokyo each year because he can't quite believe it's really happening.

Georges Deboeuf smiles le grand smile.

At a spa in mountains near Tokyo, bathers frolicked in the wine to celebrate the first day of the Beaujolais Nouveau season, enjoying a glass or two straight from the pool itself....

Beaujolais Nouveau is a beverage that may not be such a hit with sophisticated wine connoisseurs...

...but remains popular with sophisticated Kitty-chan connoisseurs.

Meanwhile, back at the pool...

drive-thru office

2008-11-16T14:18:00.018+09:00

Anyone who works in an office knows only too well about the annoyances that come with being in such an environment - eyestrain, backache, petty rules, pointless meetings, smelly food, photocopier fumes, colleagues....

All of the above, however, pale into insignificance as far as the workers of an office in the heart of Osaka are concerned.

These poor souls also have to contend with the risk of being knocked down by speeding traffic - just for taking a walk to the lavatory.

It can't be easy.

Drivers need to negotiate desks, chairs and water coolers when passing through. And salarymen, too.

The floor guide says it all....

Floors five, six and seven - the Hanshin Expressway. Really.

It must be rather a nuisance trying to do your work with all manner of vehicles hurtling through...

But the question is - which came first, the office or the expressway?

the japanese obama

2008-11-09T00:07:00.004+09:00

When watching Japanese TV, there's one question that you should never ask:
"Why are they doing that?"

"Why is that old man jumping around on a pogo stick while singing the national anthem in a leotard?"

"Why is that woman dressed in only a small vest and thigh-length boots and throwing cream pies at those cute little dogs dressed in Sherlock Holmes outfits?"

And now: "Why is that man always saying 'Yes we can' and going all the way to the United States in order to meet Barack Obama?"

No one can ever understand "why". Not even Japanese people.

Recently a man called Nocchi was told by his wife, over breakfast, that he resembled Barack Obama....

One thing led to another and it culminated in a peak-time TV show sending him to the States on a mission.

The mission was to be acknowledged by Obama.

"Why?"

Because they can?

First he went to Obama's house thinking he could knock on his door and say hello. Not surprisingly, he was met by the police who told him to turn the camera off.

After visiting several other places in the hope of meeting Obama, he took a break and got his hair cut:
- at the same barbers as Obama
- by the same barber as Obama
- in the same seat as Obama

"Why?"

Because they can?

Nocchi got a tip off that Obama was going to see a show in New York, so he rushed along hoping to meet him there, only to be met by more police...

"No you can't."

Then Obama's motorcade left and Nocchi caught a glimpse of someone familiar....

....but he needed closer contact.

His last chance was a pre-election rally...

He got pretty close to the podium for Obama's speech....

And then after the speech, Obama shook some hands. He came close to Nocchi....very close....

But did they make contact? Did Obama shake hands with Obama? Did it all end happily? Do you care?

Why?

Watch the video to find out. The original programme was an hour long but here all the guff has been taken out, leaving just six minutes of the purest entertainment you are ever unlikely to see.

Running time: 6 minutes
More information here.

the old new world

2008-11-02T20:51:00.034+09:00

Really, if I had a yen for every time I had an email asking me to put more photos of Osaka on the blog, I'd have four yen.

So, in response to a recent email that came flooding in (from Germany), here are some photos taken about town. However, this part of town is pretty unique. It's a neighbourhood in Osaka called Shinsekai (New World), though in reality it's really rather old.

It was built in 1912 and, wandering through its narrow alleyways, past the tiny eating establishments and cheap clothes shops, you quickly realise that "redevelopment" is a word that probably no one here has ever heard of. Not just because they don't speak English. Though some of them do. Maybe. I can't be certain though. What I mean is, Roppongi Hills it ain't.

The Lonely Planet advises visitors to Shinsekai to "keep their wits about them" as it's "the closest thing in Japan to a dangerous neighbourhood." It's all relative I guess.

In London, a dangerous neighbourhood is where hoodies lurk in the shadows with freshly sharpened knives concealed down their trousers.

In New York, a dangerous neighbourhood is where gun-toting crackheads settle scores with a bullet between the eyes.

In Japan, a dangerous neighbourhood is where oba-sans hold Japanese radishes in an ambiguous way.

Shinsekai is a lot of things, but it's not a danger zone....

....unless being blinded by its dazzling colours is a cause for concern.

Apparently the design of the area took inspiration from Paris and New York.

This'll be the Eiffel Tower then....

Tsutenkaku (The Tower Reaching Heaven)

And Central Park, perhaps?

Central Park is well-known for being green, like these leaves.

What Shinsekai is really known for is its kushikatsu restaurants.....

....which, for the uninitiated, looks a lot like this....

Heart-attack-inducing food on a stick.

The prices in Shinsekai are jaw-dropping....

....as are the fashions....

Just as Scotland has the Loch Ness Monster, this part of Osaka also has its very own rarely seen beast - the Shinsekai Ogre.

By an incredible stroke of luck, as I explored the streets of this fascinating area, I glimpsed what I'm almost certain was the ogre itself as it galloped along a highway close to the subway station.

In order to make verification impossible, I took the obligatory shaky shot. The resulting picture was bang on the money....

I then decided to make verification possible....

The Shinsekai Ogre

There's no doubt that a lot of businesses in Shinsekai have seen better days....

While others, judging by the large number of men entering the premises, continue to do a roaring trade....

An art-house cinema currently showing a movie about a Russian woman in a state of near-undress. I'm guessing it's a romantic comedy.

Besides the numerous watering holes....

....there are also many shogi shops....

Shogi - a board game not at all like Monopoly.

....and even some street theatre.....

After a decade of trying, a puppeteer on the verge of conceding that he may never be able to untangle the strings of his beloved puppet.

But what I found really heartwarming in Shinsekai was the shop owners' conscientious attitude towards their use of English....

The people of Shinsekai - they like to get it right.

Generally, the pace of life here is slow.....real slow.....

And just as I was starting to really enjoy this colourful neighbourhood, I caught the eye of an oba-san who seemed like she wanted to start something....

Beware of radish-wielding oba-sans in the Shinsekai area.

Radish hazards aside, I'd say Shinsekai is definitely worth a look. But hurry - who knows how long it'll be before its residents start to hear the word "redevelopment". In Japanese, of course.

an englishman in...taipei?

2008-10-25T21:07:00.002+09:00

Just down the road from Osaka is a place called Taipei, on an island called Taiwan. Its close proximity to Japan makes it an ideal place for a short trip.

It’s home to the tallest (completed) building in the world, Taipei 101. The number refers not to the famous novel/movie starring a large number of dogs, but to the number of floors in the building.

It was good to take a break from Osaka and see a new place. Experiencing the food on offer there was top of my list of things to do, and I wasn't disappointed.....

This place somehow looked familiar.

This one, too....

A great Taiwanese burger shop.

I then drove to one of the city parks – but had to leave my car at the gate......

Feeling a bit peckish, I decided to fish my lunch out of the park lake…..alas……

Just as I was about to yell “FOR CHRISSAKE!” in irritation, I saw…..

....so I mumbled it instead.

Looking for something to do, I took a pack of cards from my bag and thought about asking a local for a game. But hang on a minute....

By this time I needed to empty my bladder but......

…though presumably taking a dump is OK.

Just then I saw a pretty tulip across the way so I went to…….

....and thought better of it.

I immediately threw down an old newspaper in disgust……

....and picked it back up again.

I was beginning to feel seriously restricted, so I decided to vent my anger with the help of some spray cans, but of course….

I took my desk out of the boot of the car to write a letter of protest and…….

…put it back in again

OK, I thought, I’ll just do something inoffensive like give my smalls a clean….but alas.....

Anyway, even if I had, I wouldn’t have been able to…….

Feeling a little tired, I thought about pitching my tent and…..

Looking for something to do, I bought some fireworks from a vendor who obviously shouldn’t have been there....

But after making the purchase, I realised it’d been a waste of money….

Not surprisingly, a red mist came over me and I felt an urge to trash the place but……

A park sign with a surface area the same as the park itself....

Well, after seeing what I couldn't do, I wondered what on earth I could do. I settled on standing still and not moving about much........but........wait a minute.........oh no......I don't believe it......

I much prefer the simplicity of the signs in the parks of Japan….

Apparently the bee spends a lot of time lounging about on the grass and doesn't want to be trodden on.

toilet games

2008-10-19T03:00:00.001+09:00

Autumn arrived in Osaka yesterday, which means winter will be here in a few days. Sadly, autumn and spring rarely get much of a look in before the extremities take over.

The good news is that it means The Switching On of the Toilet Seat Warmer ceremony can soon take place, assuring warm buttocks 24/7.

The Switching on of the Toilet Seat ceremony

Nintendo has even got in on the act this year by following up the popular Wii Fit with an exciting new accessory - the Wii Seat. Simply affix it to your toilet, plug it in and you're ready to go (so to speak)...

There's also a special version for the physically challenged....

Wii Seat comes with a selection of bundled games....

First up is Wii Wee where gamers urinate directly onto the piping hot seat. The person whose urine dries the fastest is declared the winner. Great for slackers who can't be bothered to lift the seat prior to passing water.

There's also Wii Oui where gamers play the above game dressed as a stereotypical French person. Beret, stripy shirt, big moustache and battery-operated French baguette supplied.

Finally there's Wii Non! for those who refuse to take part in Wii Oui.

This gushing bull would wipe the floor with anyone who dared play it at Wii Wee. And then the floor would have to be wiped....

A Scottish Highland bull warming up for a game of Wii Wee.

For anyone interested in offsetting their methane emissions in the toilet area, consider following the advice of this oft-quoted poem when it comes to your flushing routine:

If it's yellow, let it mellow.
If it's brown, flush it down.
If it's red, seek medical advice IMMEDIATELY.

nobel bottoms

2008-10-11T13:00:00.008+09:00

It's been quite a week for news in Japan.

There were two stories which dominated the TV news bulletins as well as the front pages of the country's newspapers.

One of them was this:

JAPANESE SCIENTISTS WIN NOBEL PHYSICS PRIZE

Makoto Kobayashi, Toshihide Maskawa, and Yoichiro Nambu shared the Nobel Prize in Physics.

They won it for their groundbreaking theoretical work which investigated the hidden symmetries among sub-atomic particles. Judges praised them for their outstanding contribution to the scientific world regarding their exploration of the nature of matter, and for making significant progress towards answering questions about how the universe began.

The Japanese people can rightly be proud of the achievements of their fellow countrymen.

And the other story?

NUDE BRIT CAUSES MAYHEM AROUND IMPERIAL PALACE

Oh dear.

The drama took place on Tuesday morning around the Imperial Palace in the centre of Tokyo.

Media reports said that the British tourist claimed to have dropped his bag in the moat and, in an effort to retrieve it, stripped off and jumped in.

However, it could have been that he was in there for an entirely different reason, having come here on holiday to enjoy a quintessentially Japanese experience - but unfortunately being horribly mistaken....

After a lengthy period of time relaxing in the soothing waters and occasionally throwing rocks at people, he emerged refreshed and began to make his way to his hotel. However, there were 50 police officers, 300 onlookers and hundreds of media organisations waiting for him....

A police officer kindly points out to the man that he's not wearing any underwear.

Unable to get past the crowds, the man became agitated and started sparring with the police....

The police chased him around a bit before he ended up back in the moat.

Some time later, he emerged for a second time and scaled the wall, completely in the buff....

He was finally arrested and given a pair of pants.

It's believed the emperor and his wife enjoyed the drama from the safety of the palace grounds....

Highlights: